(I gave the following speech on Sept. 22, 2000, while on my nationwide book tour. It is the natural culmination of my many years of hard work in Chicago, and every word in it is sincere. Enjoy.) - - - - Thank you! It is such a pleasure to be here, on this, a momentous day in the history of our community! So much has taken place in so little time, and what we have accomplished would not have been possible without the assistance of the many fine people who have gathered in our audience. I would like to thank our alderman, Superintendent of Schools Paul Vallas, CTA chief Frank Kreusi, as well as the current administration of the Chicago Park District for their hard work. I would also like to thank all the representatives from the wonderful neighborhood organizations who help our community thrive! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Most of all, however, I would like to thank our Mayor, Richard M. Daley, without whom none of these programs would have even come close to existing! Mayor Daley's aggressive yet benevolent leadership has given us the opportunity to pro-actively improve our community in ways that only a few years ago, did not seem possible! Thank you, Mayor Daley, for your vision, insight, and warm guiding spirit! We applaud your noble efforts! The programs we have proposed today will create 700 units of new housing in our neighborhood, while tearing down 4,000 other units, most of which were in pretty bad shape anyway. More good news: The destruction of these apartments will create hundreds of new jobs and thus build opportunities for poorer residents of the neighborhood to buy their own homes, starting at $170,000 a year, so they can own a share of our community's wealth! We hope that eventually they can save enough money to someday return to sample our revitalized retail corridor, which will contain several themed restaurants, a large grocery store, and at least one store selling "authentic" ethnic clothing. They will also be able to enjoy our brand-new police station, built on the site of the former Community Pride Soup Kitchen and Bilingual Church, and the soon-to-be-constructed Porfirio Diaz Memorial Park, Fieldhouse, Community Playlot, and Interactive Town-Hall Meeting Centre. I cannot not emphasize enough that Mayor Daley's firm-handed leadership has made our community, and indeed all of Chicago, a place where families can once again feel safe. Without Mayor Daley's strong, masculine presence, all of Chicago would still be a miserable ghetto full of neighborhood bars, street vendors, yard sales, and bizarre old grumps with interesting life stories. This new Chicago imagined by the Mayor, is a far nicer, calmer, friendlier place to live. Thank you, Mayor Daley! Thank you! Thank You! Mayor Daley, I don't know what I would do, what we would do, without you. You are so handsome, virile, and lovable. Oh, Mayor Daley, how I long to feel your soothing breath on the back of my neck. How I wish that you would slink up behind me and wrap your short, powerful arms around my waist! Mayor Daley, talk into my ear. Tell me how you plan to coast Chicago into the Millennium as you soothe me with your manly caresses. Your great vision for our Windy City fills me with untold depths of lust. Oh, Richie. I'll build a loft for you in the South Loop of my heart. Strip me down, you man-beast of a Mayor! Practice urban renewal on my body! Let me be your TIF, Mayor Daley, your own personal TIF! For 23 years, I will invest my emotions in you, and only you! You restore Owl Service to my loins, Ma Maîre... "Ehh! Ehh! I'm coming! I'm coming! What? It's an orgasm? Everyone has orgasms! Even dagos! What's so wrong with that? You should always support the police! They're the police! I'm coming! Ehh! Ehh!" Yes, Richie, Yes! Thank you for saving our community! Thank you for saving my soul! Oh, Mayor Daley! I love you! We all love you! Love me, love me, you red hot leprechaun of love!
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Dangerous Atlanta By Neal Pollack The Short Essay That Conquered the Planet By Tim Carvell I Write Short Books About the Popular Bands of the Day. Here Is My Story. By Catherine Zymet Ask A Former Professional Literary Agent, Part Four By John Hodgman Does She Lie? By Ben Greenman |
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