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As a freshly minted administrative specialist and an integral member of the Network Consolidation Plan (NCP), I find this an opportune time to present you with my vision of how we should manage this office over the next eighteen months. To demonstrate this plan I have created a diorama of the sort that I have not constructed since the second or third grade. While this diorama does not display the Alaskan Brown Bear's natural habitat or reenact the final siege of Bunker Hill (which, admittedly, was the work of my mother, who served as a consultant on the project), it nonetheless reveals a clear model of my vision for this office in action. Before the demonstration, however, I would like to bring a few items to your attention. First, while the many pieces of uncooked silver macaroni glued to the floor and walls of the office model add a certain flair to the presentation, the macaroni's primary function is to represent the many extension cords that will power our new office. Second, please note that my vision does not, as the diorama would lead you to believe, include the presence of fighter pilot-style seating placed before each workstation. Rather, try and imagine your comfortable, ergonomically designed office chair in the place of these pieces salvaged from my little brother's collection of model airplanes. And while our real office is often festive and cheery (a trend I hope to continue) it probably will not feature the Christmas lights and tinsel strung overhead in the diorama. Shall we begin? First, kindly direct your attention to the Northeast corner of the diorama, where I propose placing the Mainframe Unit Operations Console (MUOC). Please notice that Alexander, represented here as Moses from the "Heroes of the Holy Land" action figure series, will have ample space to monitor the incoming status reports on all of the terminals. This position ensures that he will be situated close enough to the center of the office so as to be readily available to assist other team members in their work. Speaking of the team members, they will find their workstations at the center of the office stretching back into the Northwest corner. From this position our project analysts and managers will not only have access to Alexander and the MUOC, but also to the Conversion and Troubleshooting Data Tracking charts(C&TDTC) on the western wall, represented here by the 1981 Steve Garvey and Steve Carlton Topps Baseball Cards culled from the duplicates in my personal collection. As you can probably guess there is very little I can do about repositioning the Managers' offices, which take up most of what would be our southeastern wall. For visual purposes, however, and to represent them, I have included two flaxen haired Popsicle stick figures adorned with yarn, tatty flannels and their very own laptops. Popsicle stick Junior Executive Lynn peers in from the southwest corner hall — kudos on that sequined blazer Lynn! Finally, along that southwestern wall, just beyond the door leading to the greater Central Staging Complex (CSC), is the receptionist's desk, where I sit. In my place sits an Egyptian Pharaoh, also from the "Heroes of the Holy Land" action figure series. (The Pharaoh and Moses are available in a two-pack.) I hope you find his steely-eyed gaze familiar, as it is certainly no coincidence that I chose the Pharaoh as of my representative in the diorama. When you approach, please find neither the Pharaoh nor I daunting, but realize that we are fully capable of determining whether or not your rescheduled meetings get updated on the company-wide calendar. At this point I would like to open the floor for questions and discussion.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Disagreement By Matthew Summers-Sparks In the Aftermath By Steve Featherstone A Harmless Anecdote about First Love By Rachel Axler What Women Want By Dan Kennedy What to Do on October 30 By Sarah Manguso |
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