JOHN OLSEN, 17 "When my brother was in the army he said he sold enough pot to buy a condo in San Jose for his inactive duty leaves and his weekend leaves. While he was IN the Army. That's how much pot is in just the Army, dude. There's a guy at school named Tim Dueller and we call him Drooler. Whenever he walks by me everybody waits for me to do this thing where I let out a bunch of spit like I'm drooling and I go, Droooooolerrrrr." [John starts laughing.] [Still laughing.] [Still.] [Suddenly stops to speak.] "Do you know you can tell anybody you're working for a charity and if they give you money, you can keep the money? There's some law that it ain't your responsibility to give the money back if it's under six hundred dollars." - - - - MIKE DALLY, 18 [Grabs my tape recorder from me and starts talking into it] "Uh, yeah. Is it on? Hi, I'm some ass bite that goes around asking kids questions about how they think they can change the world. Uh, I do that because I'm a loser and I'm, like, a thirty-four-year-old with no job. And my name is Dan Kennedy and I have a big wet spot on the front of my pants and someday I'll write some stupid book but right now I'm too busy playing grab ass with other thirty-four-year-old losers in health clubs and bars and telling each other how talented we are." [I try to get grab the tape recorder back] "Ooooh, and I get really mad when people take my gay little tape recorder thing and talk into it." - - - - TINA KELM, 18 "I beat up the prissy chicks at our school because I hate stuck-up bitches who think they can steal people's boyfriends. I'm going to be rich when I move out of this town. I've always known that. I used to beat up this cheerleader who lived next door to us and take her money." - - - - TIM DUELLER, 15 [I turn on my tape recorder and approach him.] "I really don't have time for this, and if you can't tell me where the piece is going to run or what your angle is, I'm even less inclined to take part in this." [I try to imply that there's a chance it could run in The New Yorker.] "That sounds a little ambitious to me." [I try to tell him that it's not so far fetched.] "That's nice. I need to get by you so I can get to class, please." [I do the thing where you let the spit come out of your mouth and say "droooooooler" to him, but he goes right past me and doesn't even see.]
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
In 2101: Three Stories by Young People By Zach Ejuone, Meghan Lyden, and Sam Bradford Horrible Child By Lawrence Krauser Several Failed Attempts to Explain Quantum Entanglement By Paul Maliszewski It's Actually Not a Small World By Tom Ruprecht Conversations with Hockney By Jessica Francis Kane |
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