Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - - |
Dress comfortably. All dealings with the hole call for loose-fitting trousers, shoes well broken-in, that sort of thing. Formal? As you like. Good breakfast, night's rest and so on — good for the hole, you for it. Take pen and paper, though well hidden. More demonstratively carry water, which a hole loves almost as much as dirt. Which dirt you knew already, no? A sack lunch is advisable, depending on habits. NO: tape recorders, video cameras, or other A/V-type devices. Do not be inconspicuous with the hole. The hole admires your healthy, forthright attitude. Do not call the hole by un-hole-like names. FYI: the hole seems satisfied by the manner in which it refers to itself, i.e. the third person. Do not try to find correspondences between the hole and other things, and the hole will not try to find correspondences between other things and you. Do not approach the hole from behind. Do not leave the hole from behind. Do not shift to the back of the hole at any time during dealings with the hole. Do not attempt to enlarge or shrink the hole (in depth, width, density, etc.) unless asked by the hole to enlarge or shrink the hole. If such a request is made, say, "Aw, damn." Then honor the request. Do not be afraid to laugh at the hole. Do not be afraid to look at the hole. Sitting beside the hole and putting one's feet in the hole is absolutely acceptable, enjoyable even. Puns involving 'holistic' or 'wholesome' or 'I dig it' or 'holy crap!' do not amuse the hole. Drop something of value into the hole, such as a musical instrument. While the hole is thus diverted, record its reactions using your pen and paper. DO NOT let the hole see your pen and paper or it's into the hole with them. Keep in mind: the hole has no feet, legs, hands, arms, nose, face, torso, toes, or tongue. So watch it. Hole temperature varies widely. Hole velocity does not. The hole is a destination insofar as any hole is a destination. The hole is a point of origin insofar as anything is a point of origin. The hole is, more than anything else, a meeting-place. The hole is not a thing of loss, so don't pretend to be lost. Tell the hole I said hello.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
On the Implausibility of the Death Star's Trash Compactor By Joshua Tyree Sinatron, Out of Control By David K. Gibson Black, Gray, Green, Red, Blue: A Letter From a Famous Painter on the Moon By Ben Greenman A Million to One By Robert Kevin Walters Box Boy By Amy Halloran |
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