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- - - - Hello! You are invited to take part in a flash mob, the project that creates an inexplicable mob of people for ten minutes or less, in the front yard of my ex-girlfriend Deborah's house, tomorrow at 6:13 p.m. Please tell anybody else that you think might be interested in joining us. INSTRUCTIONS: 1) We'll meet outside the Crazy Pizza around the corner from Deborah's place. Be there by 6 p.m. Please be respectful of Crazy Pizza's employees and patrons, and refrain from ordering pizza or Crazy Cinnaballs. 2) At exactly 6:05 p.m. I will pass out slips of paper with general instructions and poster boards. One-third of the poster boards will read "I will never stop lovin' you, Deborah"; one-third will read "Why do you insist on ruining my life?"; and one-third will read "Please don't throw out my comic book collection." 3) Once the instructions and poster boards have been passed out, I will organize the group. All of the guys who are better looking than me will be sent to the back and will be required to wear sad clown masks. If I find that a better-looking-than-me guy in a sad clown mask is still better-looking than me I will ask him to leave. This may seem a little paranoid, but you don't know Deborah like I know Deborah. All of the just as good-looking as me guys will be placed in the middle of the line, and the guys who I think are uglier than me will get to be in the front. Women can choose to be wherever they want. 4) At 6:10 p.m. we will walk over in a silent and orderly fashion to Deborah's place. Really hot-looking women are encouraged to walk with me, hold my hand, and act like I'm their new boyfriend. 5) We will arrive at Deborah's at 6:13 p.m. sharp. Please arrange yourself in Deborah's front yard in the same order you were in while walking over. Depending on the size of the mob, some of the better-looking than me guys in sad clown masks may have to stand on the sidewalk. Please don't complain about it if this is necessary. Be tough. 6) Once we are organized in our appropriate places, everyone should take a moment to notice the rhododendron bush in Deborah's yard. I bought that for her in celebration of our three-month anniversary. I planted it for her, too. While the bush won't be in bloom, please believe me when I tell you that its flowers are only eclipsed in beauty by Deborah's magnificent emerald green eyes. 7) We will then stand quietly in Deborah's front yard for five minutes or until Deborah comes out of her house. If any bystander should happen by and ask you what is going on politely answer, "I'm a fan of doughnuts and this is the home of the Doughnut Queen." 8) If after five minutes Deborah hasn't come out of her house I will ring her doorbell. As soon as Deborah opens her door those people with the "I will never stop lovin' you, Deborah" posters should stoically raise them above their heads. Everybody else will begin singing the Peter Gabriel song "In Your Eyes." Be sure to really sell the tune. No mumbling. 9) My bet is that Deborah will be embarrassed at first. She'll blush and smile and not know what to say. At 6:19 lower the signs and stop singing. It's then when I'll ask her to take me back. However, I'm sure that Deborah being Deborah will break my heart yet again. When she does, those holding the "Why do you insist on ruining my life?" posters will raise them up. Everyone else will then sing "Love Bites" by Def Leppard. If you want to try to hum the guitar solo part feel free. 10) This will no doubt make Deborah upset and her ugly side will soon be on display for all to see. Don't be afraid; just stand your ground and continue singing. She'll probably say means things like, "He still owes me $927.00 for back rent" or "He tried to French kiss my sister" but pay her no mind. I'm not even attracted to her sister. Honest. 11) Any better-looking than me guy in a sad clown mask that tries to take advantage of the situation by offering to console Deborah will be asked to leave. 12) As Deborah's calling the police, those holding the "Please don't throw out my comic book collection" posters will raise them up. Everybody else will sing "If You're Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands." 13) At 6:23 p.m. or when we hear the sirens, whichever comes first, we will disperse in an orderly manner. I may stick around for a bit, but don't bother waiting for me; I'll be curled up and crying by the rhododendron bush. I feel it is something I just need to do. So go on. I'll be alright. Thanks! I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. It'll be great. Things are really starting to look up for me. I can feel it. In the slight chance Deborah is not home when we get to her front yard we will return to Crazy Pizza, get something to eat, and try again later.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
McSweeney's Brain Exploder: "Revenge of the Hunt and Peckers" By Sarah Garb and Megan Peterson The Lies Perpetrated on Me by Public Education, Part One: Salisbury Central School By Michael Northrop Goofus, Gallant, Rashomon By Jim Stallard How He Spent His Summer Vacation: An Interview with Jonson Miller, Part Two By B.R. Cohen How He Spent His Summer Vacation: An Interview with Jonson Miller, Part One By B.R. Cohen |
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