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- - - - Bill Thurber,
Mr. Thurber, I am writing to you as a concerned citizen, but one with an action plan. As you know, our prison system is in a wanton state and in dire need of remediation. It will require a long and wincing state of strict discipline on all our parts. Yet I have a plan which could possibly alleviate this stress on the prison system, and consequently, on all the good citizens of Florida. Citizens play an active role in the prosecution and sentencing of criminals via the jury system, but why does our prudence and participation end there? Why don't we, as people, do our civic duty when it comes to incarceration? I propose we do just that. I suggest that dutiful citizens of our fair state take turns housing and remediating prisoners from our overburdened system. In particular, I make a personal offer to house such a deviant from society; she would get attention, tenderness, and training in social intercourse, yet I am not afraid to correct, correct, correct. I have had experience in this area as a sponsor for a young refugee. She has since moved out, poor thing, but her room is now available to do more good. I also volunteer at a local teen center as well. You have my word all the prisoner's needs would be met. She would get ample food, frequent showers, and lots of exercise and discipline. Certainly hygiene would be an issue, but I have studied some pamphlets on the matter and am fully aware of prisoners' needs in this area. I'm a big believer in hygiene, and these women could expect monthly checkups and regular exams. Of course you would want some type of a monitoring system, but I am one step ahead of you on that one, too. As I'm pretty handy with a Sony-cam, I could send in regular tapes of the prisoner's re-domestication: studying, cleaning, recreation, calisthenics and so on. I understand restraint and confinement will be a concern, but I insist that I have all the gear to both ensure the prisoner will not be at large, yet still guarantee her full range of motion. In Phase II, the vision is much grander. All the punishment and discipline would end. Phase II leaves the carrot and the stick behind. Improper behavior and willfulness would be met only with positive praise and constant rewards. I see a time when the insolent and fallacious criminal bites her lip in shame as I stroke her swelling self-image as if she were my own daughter. I'm sure it's obvious I've had some psychological training, if only informally. I know how their minds work and understand all too well the concept of the inner-child. I have some gentlemen friends I am in daily contact with on an internet chatroom who I'm sure would volunteer to do their civil duty as well by housing hardened men and even troubled juveniles. Enclosed is a check for two dollars and a request that you send me some studies done on the minimum needs for the incarcerated woman. Also, could you include perhaps a list of mugshots from the candidates for our little program? I look forward to hearing from you, Mr. Thurber. Until then, as the good book says, "toward the bosom must the slapped hand go." A fellow concerned citizen, Adam Johnson
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
Group Mobilization As a Desperate Cry for Help By Christopher Monks McSweeney's Brain Exploder: "Revenge of the Hunt and Peckers" By Sarah Garb and Megan Peterson The Lies Perpetrated on Me by Public Education, Part One: Salisbury Central School By Michael Northrop Goofus, Gallant, Rashomon By Jim Stallard How He Spent His Summer Vacation: An Interview with Jonson Miller, Part Two By B.R. Cohen |
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