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Now available for preorder:
The San Francisco Panorama.
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- - - - Do you loathe small talk? I used to. Then I started selling my part in banal exchanges to advertisers. Now I've always got something to say — and you can too. There are just a few simple rules to observe. Please do not take these lightly. Look at the damage an amateur wreaks when a woman on a plane asks him what city he calls home: AMATEUR: Home is anywhere I can get Hot Pockets. WOMAN: Pardon? AMATEUR: Now available in Tangy Sweet and Sour Chicken. WOMAN: I'm not following you. What's tangy, now? AMATEUR: I am, ever since I joined Bally Total Fitness for just $29 a month. WOMAN: Do you need to lie down? AMATEUR: Ch-Ch-Ch Chia. - - - - RULE 1: KEEP IT NATURAL Be sure your endorsements fit into the conversational flow. For example, you're at the funeral of a distant relative. Wrong MOURNER: Were you close to my uncle? YOU: Meow Mix. Correct MOURNER: Were you close to my uncle? YOU: Well, it's hard to characterize our bond, you know? I always felt recharged after chatting with Joe in sort of the same way that Gatorade replenishes your electrolytes to help you maintain your peak performance. And he was so, so generous. His was a thick 'n' chunky soul, very much like Old El Paso salsa. If I know Joe, he would have wanted me to share these coupons to Jiffy Lube with those he loved. But unlike Joe, who was embraced everywhere he went, these coupons are void in Alaska and Hawaii. - - - - RULE 2: CONNECT WITH YOUR AUDIENCE Advertisers tailor their message to a particular demographic. You should, too. Wrong OLD MAN AT BUS STOP: We sure got a hot one today. They oughta put a water fountain out here. YOU: Water's fine, but how about a chuggable Sierra Mist? It's totally citrus-blasted. Correct OLD MAN AT BUS STOP: We sure got a hot one today. They oughta put a water fountain out here. YOU: Water's fine, except for the fact that Hitler drank water. If flavorless Nazi juice is your thing, then enjoy. Or how about a Sierra Mist? It's got the lemon-lime taste that respects its elders. - - - - RULE 3: BE SURE THE PERSON HAS A USE FOR YOUR PRODUCTS Wrong PRESIDENT OF UNIVERSITY: I'm not sure why you mentioned Hooked on Phonics to someone such as myself. Correct PRESIDENT OF UNITED STATES: You're saying I can read at a third-grade level in how many weeks? I'm gonna take that under serious advisement. - - - - PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER It's Monday morning. Gregarious coworker Bill is coming 'round to see how things went over the Fourth of July holiday. BILL: Hey, chief, have a good weekend? YOU: Absolutely. Two words: Fear Factor. Everyone else is showing reruns; Fear Factor's showing Xtreme Encores. And host Joe Rogan doesn't make me want to jam my boot through the TV screen for even a second. BILL: Well, my fiancée and I went out to the Cape. We had a lot of fun. YOU: Aren't Carnival Cruises great? BILL: I didn't say anything about a cruise. YOU: Didn't you say something about "a lot of fun"? I just naturally assumed. BILL: You go anywhere special? YOU: Is the Kia Summer-Sales Event special? I think we both know the answer to that.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
If Game-Show Hosts Were Guests on Their Own Shows By Max Luker McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Long-Distance Song Parody Dedication: "Cherry Pie" By Carlton Doby The Bombay Palace All-You-Can-Eat Buffet: A Postcolonial Perspective By Pasha Malla The Complete Idiot's Guide to Meeting People More Famous Than You By Michael Ian Black I Am a Concerned Citizen By Adam Johnson |
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