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- - - - There is a funny, old Bob and Ray routine in which a pair of professional kidnappers complain that modern newspapers, with their large, pithy headlines and san serif typefaces, make for poor aesthetics when you want to cut out the letters for a ransom note. "I remember back in '56, when I put the snatch on the Mumford twins, you could still find a lot of 24-point Bodoni in the paper," Ray says to Bob. Fortunately ransomers still have the New York Times. Below you will find a list of headlines from Sunday's front page. Your goal is to cut and paste as many new words as you can for use in a possible ransom note. Here are the rules: 1. Actual words (and their roots) appearing in the headlines do not count. For example, if the headline were "A SEEPING TANKER TURNS SPAIN'S BEACHES INTO AN OILY SANDBOX" you may not count "sandbox," "beaches" or "beach" as one of your words. You may count "sand" and "box" as two separate words, however. 2. Words can begin in one word and end in the next. The word "sin" could be formed by using the last letter in "beaches" and the first two letters of "into" 3. Single letters (or one letter words) may not be used. Also, letters may not be rearranged. Words can be formed from adjacent letters only. 4. Remember you are a kidnapper with scissors and have access to only one newspaper. Once you have cut out a sequence of letters you may not use any of them again to form another word. For instance, if you counted "sin" as one of your words, you could not also make the word "aches" from the letters in "beaches" (the word "ache would be possible, however). When a word is removed from the paper, the letters on either side of it are not considered adjacent and cannot be connected. Duplicate words do not count. 5. Words may begin in one headline and end in any other. For instance, the above headline could be paired with "ENRON CONVICTIONS EXPECTED" to create the word "oxen" (by attaching the letters "OX" from "sandbox" to the letters "EN" in "Enron"). You may connect the headlines in any order you like, but you may not connect the end of a headline to its own beginning. It is not necessary to connect headlines to each other. 6. Ignore all punctuation. Kidnappers use atrocious grammar anyway. 7. You are only trying to form words. You do not have to put them together in threatening sentences or write an actual ransom note. 8. Proper nouns and slang are permissible. Kidnappers are frequently illiterate, but you are not so you'll have to spell words correctly. All of this is at the discretion of the judges 9. Give yourself one point for every letter you use. 10. Using our two examples, a solution might include the words: as, ping, tan, urns, pains, be, aches, in, to, no, sand, oxen, Ron, con, Vic, ion, sex, pec, Ted. Total: 60 points. - - - - Your headlines are as follows. If you want to feel like a real kidnapper, cut and paste these into your word processor and set the font style to 18-point Cheltenham: CONCERN GROWING AS FAMILIES BYPASS VICTIMS' FUND U.S. AND THE IRAQIS DISCUSS CREATING BIG MILITIA FORCE WORRIED DEMOCRATS SEE DAUNTING HURDLES SHIITES MOURN DEATH OF CLERIC IN IRAQ BOMBING NOW FREE TO MARRY, CANADA'S GAYS SAY "DO I?" STATE CUTBACKS PUT SCHOOLS AND FEDERAL LAW TO THE TEST NORTH KOREA SPURNS DISARMAMENT TALKS Send your solution to carltondoby@hotmail.com before noon Friday, September 5. - - - - Click here for an apology from Carlton Doby regarding last week's Brain Exploder.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
My Name By Peter Owen Nelson Talk Different: An Alternative to Idle Conversation By Jason Roeder If Game-Show Hosts Were Guests on Their Own Shows By Max Luker McSweeney's Brain Exploder: Long-Distance Song Parody Dedication: "Cherry Pie" By Carlton Doby The Bombay Palace All-You-Can-Eat Buffet: A Postcolonial Perspective By Pasha Malla |
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