W H I L E M A T I N G
A T T H E Z O O ,
B E H I N D T H E V A R I O U S C A G E S ,
I W H I S P E R
S W E E T O N E - L I N E R S
I N T O M Y G I R L S ' E A R S .
BY HARI RAGHAVAN
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Turtles
You are suspicious, sluggish, and bored; but you are also careful, safe, and unpretentious.
Camels
What do you hold in your humps? It must be an overflow of strictly interior beauty… is it possible that we are a true incarnation of Beauty and the Beast?
Elephants
It's been said that where there is extra tonnage, there must be extra heart: your spirit is unbearably abundant.
Kangaroos
One may mistake your bloated gut for early pregnancy, and doubtlessly offend your spirits with an offer of alimony — still, who better to hope for as a partner in the creation of one's child than you: so well-insulated, ever-hungry, and appropriately holding deeds to two massive, milky breasts and matching hips that may bear more than just a child, but an adult, if it came to that?
Gorillas
In some countries, hair is desirable where it is unexpected: I am thinking of moving to France or Italy, and would love for you to come with me.
Warthogs
You are definitely not a pig, in my eyes, and far more than a mere hog… but you nevertheless have few warts: you, a study in contrasts, a mystery.
Flamingos
Not too dull, not really overly vibrant: nearly just right.
Zebras
My dear mulatto, being biracial these days is more of an advantage than a disadvantage, and you wear it pretty well: we will sit at both the back and front of the bus, together.
Snake Pit
Your curves are obsolete, and it's hard to distinguish front from rear, top from bottom… but you're quiet and destined to shed that unruly skin sooner or later: there's something to be said for that.
Koalas
Eucalyptus is a smell that one must get used to, but then grows attached to and adores: you have just that kind of odor about you, and everyday I am getting closer to being able to tolerate it.
Wild Turkeys
I'd love to feast on you, despite the various infections you must have, my darling.
Lioness
That beautiful, engaging, commanding presence! That respectability, charm, and utter bravado! What firmness, strength, and sexual energy! My God: you don't resemble her at all.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S STORIES:
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