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- - - - (Monday) I tell Frankie the Eagle I'm going to Staples to pick up the new version of QuickBooks. He says send one of the boys to get it. I say what for? He says I don't want my important people running around doing little errands, it makes us look bad. I says okay Frankie but the last time I send one of the boys to Staples for me he comes back with nothing but a couple of rolls of calculator paper and a bucket of flavored popcorn. Those boys don't know nothin' about accounting. Okay, he says, but get two copies. Of QuickBooks I ask him? Yeah he says, in case the Feds find one. I do not know what this is supposed to accomplish. (Tuesday) Every time I try and discuss fiduciary matters with the Outfit all they want to talk about is that's how they got Capone. I will be discussing very serious-like something such as the Uniform Act for Simplification of Fiduciary Security Transfers, and one of them will say "You know, that's how they got Capone." That's all they ever got to say about anything to do with finances. "That's how they got Capone." Okay already. I know that is how they got Capone. Let us move on to the current century, shall we? (Wednesday) The guys like to give me a hard time on account of how I am not Mr. Tough Guy running around in a fancy car and breaking somebody's kneecaps but when it's payroll time all of the sudden I'm the most popular guy in the joint. The thing that makes me particularly irritated is that they will offer to whack a guy for nothing but if you ask them to hold on to their receipts it is like you want them to cut off a finger or something. What is the big deal? It is just a receipt. But try talking to some people. (Thursday) So this morning I ask Frankie the Eagle if I can take a course on state issues related to the Sarbanes-Oxley Act of 2002. He says is this guy Sarbanes Oxley giving you a hard time? I say no, Frankie, it is an act which applies generally to publicly held companies and their audit firms. He says so what is the problem? Does Oxley want to play hardball? I say Frankie, Michael Oxley is a congressman from Ohio. He cosponsored the bill, is all. Frankie says so we call up Johnny Ravelli up in Cleveland, get him to lean on the guy. Eighty percent of my workday is devoted to conversations like this one. (Friday) That cocksucker Marty Incaviglia used my Wireless Recovery and Disaster Planning binder to ace some stoolie. That's five hundred man-hours down the shitter. But does Marty care? The fuck he does. "Suck it up, bean counter," he says. No respect. Still, it could be worse. Tommy "The Shank" Polito used to work for the New York families before he got that gig at the AICPA, and he says it was a nightmare. You would ask for some simple paperwork from the Don and he would say "I will do you this favor, but someday I will call on you to do a favor for me." And this would happen like six times a week. That doesn't mean I'm not going to sic an auditor on Marty Incaviglia. That's how they got Capone, you know.
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
Charlie Rose Interviews the Bird Flu Virus By Tom Lombardi Tantric Sex Positions By Mike Sacks The Tyrant's Tales By Brent Spencer A Critical Introduction to Breakfast By TG Gibbon Mars Politica By Ben Greenman |
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