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Millard Kaufman's final novel has arrived!
Pick up Misadventure now—or, see what
you've missed out on thus far by picking up
both Bowl of Cherries and Misadventure
for 27% off the retail price.

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- - - - H O W   T O   T E L L P E O P L E   T H A T   Y O U A R E   A   B I L L I O N A I R E W I T H O U T   S O U N D I N G O B N O X I O U S . BY WENDY MOLYNEUX - - - - 1. Excuse me, but did you know that I am a billionaire? Well, I am. Nice wheelchair, asshole. 2. Pardon me, but did you drop this wallet? Oh, no, wait. I dropped it. I guess because it was so full of money. (Sigh.) Billions of dollars, in fact. Come back here or I'll hire someone to kill you. 3. My, what a cute baby. I have a baby at home made entirely out of one-hundred-dollar bills. Why do you think Jesus loves me so much? Is it because I am a billionaire? 4. What nice weather we're having. I enjoy the rain. I also enjoy inviting a bunch of orphans over to my house and telling them that I am going to adopt them. Then, at the end of the day, I gather them around me and, after pausing to puff on my pipe, I say, "Just kidding, jerks." I am a billionaire. 5. Do you know what a billion dollars looks like? I guess not, because you are blind. I'm sleeping with your wife.   OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Robert Coover's Stepmother is Now Available. We Have an Appreciation and an Excerpt. Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation? By David Chambers How I Fall Asleep By Van Choojitarom How to Spoil Your Panther for Under Ten Dollars By Eric Silver John Moe's Pop-Song Correspondences By John Moe

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES - - - - Memories of Amanda Davis - - - - Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. - - - - McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GET TO KNOW AN INTERNET COMMENTER GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL