Through this Friday, all available back issues of Wholphin are half off—10 bucks apiece for countless warm evenings of rare films, featuring Miranda July, Paul Rudd, Donald Trump, and a monkey-faced eel. - - - -

- - - - E N R I C H E D   U R A N I U M : W H A T   E V E R Y   P A R E N T S H O U L D   K N O W . BY CHRIS BACHELDER - - - - EU and Your Child: The Facts Children who participate in sports are 80 percent less likely to procure, produce, and/or deal enriched uranium Enriched uranium is what is known as a gateway element. Children who try enriched uranium are more likely to try plutonium and wine coolers Generally speaking, girls seem completely uninterested in obtaining enriched uranium In a recent poll, nearly two-thirds of high-school students reported that they knew where to get uranium if they wanted it; another one-third of students said that they had been at parties where isotopes were being separated Uranium is toxic and very dangerous to handle. If ingested, it can cause renal failure or death Fifty-five percent of fourth-grade students can recognize the difference between fissionable and nonfissionable uranium Among urban teens, a common slang term for lame or fake is "depleted." As in "That song is so depleted." Enriched uranium is predominantly a white, male, middle- to upper-middle-class isotope Warning Signs Parents, if the answer to one or more of the following questions is "yes," your child may be experimenting with enriched uranium. Does my child seem sullen or moody? Does my child seem to spend a lot of time in his room with the door closed and locked? Does my child often wear rubber gloves and surgical masks? Does my child listen to the death-metal bands Isotope Supper or You 235? Has my child recently asked for a 500-800 percent increase in his allowance? Has my child constructed any isotope-separation schemes (such as a centrifuge, an electromagnetic field, a diffusion device, or a laser) in the house or garage? Does my child have kidney problems? An Ounce of Prevention Is Worth Several Ounces of Enriched Uranium The best thing you can do as a parent is to talk to your child about uranium and its isotopes. Let your child know that a WMD is not going to make him any more cool or popular. People are like warheads: it's what's on the inside that counts. Encourage your child to participate in sports or other after-school activities. Help your child understand that there is a whole branch of chemistry that has nothing to do with blowing things up. Tell your child that in a decent world, there would be no U-235 weapons, except for the thousands upon thousands stockpiled by the United States military. If you do suspect that your child is involved with enriched uranium, rest assured that you are not alone and that there is help available. Call 1-800-URANIUM to find out the number of the nearest chapter of SNAFU (Strong Neighborhoods Against Fissile Uranium). Remember: Together we can create highly enriched uranium-free communities!   OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - How to Tell People That You Are a Billionaire Without Sounding Obnoxious By Wendy Molyneux Robert Coover's Stepmother is Now Available. We Have an Appreciation and an Excerpt. Russian Bolshevik Slogan or Prince Incarnation? By David Chambers How I Fall Asleep By Van Choojitarom How to Spoil Your Panther for Under Ten Dollars By Eric Silver

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