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Diary of a Congressional Candidate in Florida's Fourth Congressional District.BY RICHARD GRAYSON- - - - Richard Grayson is a write-in candidate in Florida's Fourth Congressional District. He is a registered Democrat, but did not have the $9,000 filing fee to receive the official party designation. To read earlier entries in his campaign diary, click here. - - - - Friday, July 23 Yesterday, the House passed the Marriage Protection Act. This bill strips federal courts of jurisdiction over the Defense of Marriage Act, a 1996 law saying that states need not recognize same-sex-union laws of other states. In other words, Congress is saying it should be able to pass a law and prevent courts from even considering the law's constitutionality. Rep. Crenshaw, like most Republicans, voted for this ludicrous bill. Thirty-five years ago, Crenshaw graduated from the University of Florida law school. Ten years ago, I graduated from the same school with high honors. I'm sure Constitutional Law has always been a required course. Crenshaw must have read Marbury v. Madison, the 1803 ruling establishing judicial review. He should know the Supreme Court is the final authority on a law's constitutionality. I actually first learned about Marbury v. Madison and separation of powers back in junior high. So what was Crenshaw doing at UF? Well, I've heard he founded a chapter of Campus Crusade for Christ and courted his wife Kitty there. Back then, Kitty's father, Claude Kirk, was the Republican governor. Kirk was a flamboyant figure, a kind of Floridian Huey Long. At his inaugural ball, the divorced governor introduced his stunning young fiancée only as "Madame X." A populist, Kirk shook up a sleepy Southern state. In 1988, I voted for Kirk, who had switched parties, in the Democratic Senate primary. He finished fifth, with 5 percent of the vote. "It's lonely here at the bottom," Kirk said. At Alabama Law School, Kirk said, he never got above a C. But I bet Kirk knows that the courts will declare the Marriage Protection Act unconstitutional. I bet his son-in-law knows it, too. Of course, Congress could always pass a Marriage Protection Act Protection Act to try to prevent that. And a Marriage Protection Act Protection Act Protection Act after that. My head hurts to think about it. - - - - Tuesday, July 27 The League of Women Voters of Tallahassee has invited me to participate in some campaign events they are sponsoring. Among them is "Bandwagon 2004," to take place at the WFSU public-TV studio on Red Barber Plaza. "Bandwagon 2004" will be a live TV show that will give candidates for Congress, county commissioner, sheriff, tax collector, property appraiser, and Ochlockonee River Soil & Water Conservation Supervisor the opportunity to have two minutes of airtime. The letter says, "The Bandwagon 2004 atmosphere again will be that of an old-fashioned political rally complete with lively music such as that of John Philip Sousa or a barbershop quartet when your two minutes are up. You are encouraged to bring supporters (no more than 10 per candidate) carrying campaign signs. These supporters and the signs may appear on television, too." The Fourth Congressional District is so weirdly drawn to include the maximum number of GOP voters that it extends over 160 miles from its heart in Jacksonville to take in a Republican sliver of Florida's capital city. Tallahassee is a great town, but it's a nine-hour drive from my house—too far to go for two minutes on TV. - - - - Friday, July 30 Yesterday, I got a notice to pick up a certified letter at the post office. It turns out to be from the Christian Coalition of Florida, asking me to fill out their candidate-issues survey. These questionnaires are coming in at the rate of about one a day now. This must be religious week, as I got one a few days ago from Joyce Meyers Ministries. At first I was impressed, because Joyce Meyers Ministries' questions were worded so neutrally that I couldn't tell they were typical right-wing nuts till I checked their website. Then I realized that Joyce Meyers Ministries must maintain a façade of nonpartisanship to keep their tax exemption as a religious organization. The Christian Coalition survey lists 97 issues. Next to each one, I must draw a circle around the appropriate letter: "S"=Support, "O"=Oppose, "U"=Undecided. It also has spaces for me to fill in my pastor's name and my church. I write "None" in both those spaces. I'm an atheist. But given the state of my campaign, I'm thinking about offering a novena to St. Jude, patron saint of hopeless causes. - - - - Saturday, July 31 The survey in this morning's mail comes not from a religious group but from the Florida Music Educators' Association. While Crenshaw wants to sharply cut arts funding, I support the FMEA's positions on strengthening the fine-arts curriculum in the schools. Their final question: "What cultural events (concerts, exhibitions, etc.) have you attended in the past year?" I jot down a few, and then write: "I don't have space or time to list all of them. Right now I'm on my way to the Pompano Beach Amphitheater for the Warped Tour, where I will encourage the children in the mosh pit to appreciate fine music." I hope the fine music includes Taking Back Sunday's "You're So Last Summer." That song should be taught in every school in this state. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Diary of a Congressional Candidate in Florida's Fourth Congressional District By Richard GraysonDan Kennedy Solves Your Problems with Paper By Dan Kennedy Contributors to The Future Dictionary of America Unfortunate Piñata Fillings By Maureen Traverse An Open Letter to Whole Foods Supermarkets By Zachary N. Howard |
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