You Can't Be
a Little Bit Pregnant.
- - - -
Symptoms: You experience nausea and violent vomiting as you wake up. You feel dizzy and sluggish. A well-dressed bald man stands next to your bed. He waves a green rock above your head and grins maliciously. His henchmen cackle.
Diagnosis: You are not so much a little bit pregnant as you are a little bit Superman. It was foolish to have expected the glasses to work forever.
- - - -
Symptoms: You're late. You do not experience irritability as much as you seem to sense it from everyone else. You seem to increase in size everyday. Also, you are the worst.
Diagnosis: You are not so much a little bit pregnant as you are Matt Moro, and you have arrived an hour late for our fantasy draft. And then you have the gall to take Beltran. Don't expect to be invited back, Fatty.
- - - -
Symptoms: Your breasts become tender and you experience light bleeding. After a few more minutes, the bleeding stops. We loved you.
Diagnosis: You are not so much a little bit pregnant as a little bit of last year's Thanksgiving turkey. You were delicious.
- - - -
Symptoms: You experience dizziness and vomiting. You increasingly feel the need to urinate. You suffer from violent mood swings. You slap me for no reason upon returning from the restroom. I leave the bar, silent and pathetic.
Diagnosis: You are not so much a little bit pregnant as you are a little bit drunker than I thought. Bonus diagnosis: I am a little bit of a wuss.
- - - -
Symptoms: You salivate excessively and look visibly constipated. You disgust me.
Diagnosis: Matt Moro again.
- - - -
Symptoms: You are visited by an angel who tells you that you will give birth to the Messiah. You can feel movement in your belly. You continue to experience moderate to severe diarrhea.
Diagnosis: You are not so much a little bit pregnant as you are a little bit closer to realizing that your intestinal-parasite medication doesn't work. And that it causes hallucinations. You are much less full of grace than full of intestinal parasites.
- - - -
Symptoms: Your body temperature elevates sharply. You begin to feel bubbly all over. You are somewhat thicker and chunkier than Ragu.
Diagnosis: You are not so much a little bit pregnant as a little bit Prego. Hey, why don't you just jump right into Matt Moro's mouth and save us all some time?
- - - -
Symptoms: You experience nausea and often feel faint. You suffer from food cravings and aversions. It is 23 years ago. Your name is Janice Moro.
Diagnosis: You are a lot pregnant. Congratulations, Mrs. Moro! It's a jerk!
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
You Can't Be a Little Bit Pregnant By Martin Bell
The Fabulous Friends: Conservative Christian Groups' Least-Favorite All-Star Cartoon By Teddy Wayne
If Bush's Speech Had Rocked as Hard as His Inauguration By Wendy Molyneux
Dear Thrasher: Adapted From a Letter to the Editor Printed in Thrasher Skateboarding Magazine, April 2003 By Sonya Huber
Welcome to Cancún! By Teddy Wayne
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