For Friday, Some Lists.- - - - GENTRIFICATION Would the women please be so kind as to vacate the premises? The velocity of my hand is likely to cause a chain reaction that resembles the toppling of ivory game pieces stacked one after another. If your wife has assumed sexual relations with me, then it is probably best you consult her on the matter. I am not the particular African-American you should be aggressive toward. My expenditures this fiscal year are of such magnitude they are best expressed as a metaphor involving a corpulent female. My enemies and narcotics are similarly compressed into a fine powder, which I regularly ingest to achieve intoxication. Regardless of the fact that you possess both a marijuana cigarette and a low-caliber pistol, there is still a high likelihood that my airborne projectile will cause irreparable damage to your medulla oblongata. - - - - ALTERNATIVE PUNISHMENTS Hide fez Shave, tar, feather, taunt Fill cage with wax bananas, then eat real bananas really slowly Make it type nonrandomly for a change Stroke against the nap Waggle opposable thumbs in view of cage - - - - "BEFORE-AND-AFTER" PUZZLES Nuclear Winter Wonderland Olympic Village Idiot Banana Nut Sack Plumber's Crack Whore Vanna White Supremacist - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - For Friday, Some ListsiReel: A User's Guide By Jeremy Richards Dan Kennedy Solves Your Problems With Paper By Dan Kennedy I Was Not Invited Back to That School By John Moe George W. Bush Quotations in Which the Words "God" or "The Almighty" or "The Almighty God" Are Replaced by Famous Names Chosen at Random From the '80s Edition of Trivial Pursuit By John Wanninger |
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