THE AUTHOR'S LETTER TO HIS SOON-TO-BE EX-WIFE. BY LUCIANA LOPEZ - - - - Baby, come home, please. I'm sorry—I wasn't even thinking when I gave that character your name. I guess I just love you so much that your name is always on my mind. I didn't realize that calling a cheating, drug-addicted truck-stop prostitute Torri might hurt your feelings. After all, just because you guys have the same name doesn't mean you're the same person. Sure, you're both medium-height brunettes with blond highlights, hazel eyes, and briefcase-shaped birthmarks on your left breasts, but that's just a coincidence. I also wrote that she was chunky around the middle, with gravity and age dragging her breasts to her knees. See? I would never say that about you. Come back from your mother's, honey, please. You can't be happy there, the way she constantly nags at you in that whiny voice of hers. And she's probably tired of hearing you talk about all this, anyway. I'm sure she doesn't want to hear you go on and on the way you do. Speaking of your mother, no, of course the hooker's mom isn't based on her! The names are completely different: Valeria has an l, Victoria has a t—and Torri's mom doesn't knit, she crochets. That is, streetwalker Torri, not you Torri. And I have to object to your saying the main character is just a thinly disguised version of me. Yes, I know Bryan and Ryan are similar, but really, all my characters are totally fictional. I mean, Bryan winds up winning the lottery, divorcing Torri after he finds out what a whore she is, and becoming an international playboy. All I have in common with him is our stamp collections. Leagues apart. Plus, Bryan's thumb-wrestling fetish is all made up. Completely. Oh, and that bookmark? On my computer? "How to lower sperm count"? That was just research. For Bryan. My recent interest in long-distance bicycling is coincidental. Honey, Torri, come home. What would I do without you? P.S. Also, I would never spike your mint lattes with mouthwash. Now you're just imagining things. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Author's Letter to His Soon-to-Be Ex-Wife By Luciana Lopez What I Hope People Are Saying About My Hair at Rock Concerts By Hari Raghavan A Book of Conversations Between Writers Ten Reasons Why You, Audrey Tautou, Gamine French Star of Amélie, Should Date Me, Teddy Wayne By Teddy Wayne Giant Squid Takes Us Weekly to Task By Greg Ruehlmann

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL