HIDING THE BALL
IN PRESIDENTIAL INTERVIEWS:
HOW THE LIBERAL MEDIA
CAN FINALLY ASK
THE QUESTIONS
THEY'RE DYING
TO ASK.
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Mr. President, we have all heard the reports that you are extremely health-conscious—exercising daily, eating right, and making sure you get to bed at a decent hour. But with all the stress that comes along with being the leader of the free world, I imagine there must be days when you find yourself hard-pressed to find time to run. And as for healthy sleep patterns, I know when I'm under a great deal of stress I sometimes lie in bed tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning. I've tried Ambien, warm milk, sheep-counting. Nothing seems to help. So tell me, Mr. President, how do you sleep at night?
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On my tour of the White House, I noticed that the hall leading from the Oval Office to the press room is devoid of mirrors or reflective surfaces of any kind. Now, surely you sometimes want to make sure your tie is straight or your hair is fixed before a press conference. How do you even look at yourself in the mirror?
- - - -
In my journalistic pursuits, I have traveled the nation, interviewing Americans in small towns to try to get a feel for the attitudes of the masses toward their elected officials. As you have undoubtedly heard, Mr. President, support for the war in Iraq is waning, not only in big cities but in the heartland as well. I'm reminded of an older gentleman I encountered in the tiny hamlet of Hale, Missouri—fairly solid Bush country in both 2000 and 2004. He tells me that many of his doubts and fears about the war could be assuaged if you would accept the Hale Town Council's standing invitation for you to come speak at the local high school, laying out the successes in Iraq not reported by the liberal media. So I ask you, President Bush, why don't you just go to Hale?
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A while back, a wire story on the contents of your personal iPod reported that you were listening to the Knack, Credence Clearwater Revival, and Van Morrison. Noticeably absent from the reported playlist at that time were any classic '70s soul-music artists such as Al Green or James Brown. Perhaps you have added some Marvin Gaye to the rotation since that story. I wonder if you'd like to update us on your current iPod selections. Have you no soul, Mr. President?
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Hiding the Ball in Presidential Interviews: How the Liberal Media Can Finally Ask the Questions They're Dying to Ask By Jason Kellett
Responses in an Interview for a Nanny Position That Will Almost Certainly Sink Your Chances of Getting the Job By Jay Dyckman
Now I Question Everything
Don't Read This or You Might Get Poked in the Eye With a Dagger By Darby Larson
Covering Teen Wolf: One Coach's Guide By Pasha Malla
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