MODELS
OF CONFLICT
IN LITERATURE,
WHICH I THINK
JUSTIFY MY BEEPING
THE HORN WHILE
DRIVING, EVEN IF
MY GIRLFRIEND
THINKS NOT.
- - - -
Character's struggle against nature
Hello, dog. You are going to move? Yes, yes, yes? No? I am human, you are canine. We are different, but know this: I will run you over if you don't get out of the street. Dog! Are you trying to bring me to a halt?! How often I forget that I can reconnect myself to the great web of life with just a simple message: BEEEEEEP, BEEEEEEEP.
Character's struggle against an antagonist
The thing is, I need to be at my dentist's appointment. If you don't let me turn left onto Cedar, I will be unable to make my appointment. Why are you going the exact same speed as me? I go 30, you go 30. I go 40, you go 40. I do an illegal U-turn, you do an illegal U-turn.
Perhaps if we were all going to the same place, I'd just go with the flow. But I've been going with the flow, trying to get in the left-hand-turn flow, and no one is letting me do it. And you, ma'am, are obviously doing everything you can to prevent me from getting to my personal destination. Hear me when I say this: BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEEEEEP.
Character's struggle against society
The road has three lanes. The SUV is using two of them at any given moment. This raises a question, first raised by Plato in The Republic: What is justice? Specifically, when given a scarce resource (the road), how do you distribute the scarce resource among the potential recipients (the drivers)? This particular SUV is suggesting a reprisal of Thrasymachus's definition of justice: whatever is done by the powerful is what is just. Following Plato, I voice my dissent, by pressing hard on my horn for seven seconds, followed by three quick BEEP, BEEP, BEEPs.
Struggle between competing elements
within the character
Sweet world, how much I have shared with you! I have withdrawn from you, wearied by my conflicts. I want peace. Will I be able to find it by withdrawing, thinking, eating, and driving?
As I withdraw from the world, I find it difficult to breathe.
One second I am savoring the taste of this BBQ chicken wing while driving, but now so very much of the chicken is stuck between my tonsils and the back part of my tongue. I can't breathe, I can't think clearly, all I can do is slump over as everything becomes very blurry. Thanks for hearing me out— BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Models of Conflict in Literature, Which I Think Justify My Beeping the Horn While Driving, Even If My Girlfriend Thinks Not By Justin Kahn
In-Progress Ideas for New Yorker Cartoons By Scott Underwood
Taking My Personal Demons Out to Lunch at the Olive Garden By Andy Braaksma
Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink By John Hallmann
A Grinning, Leering Skull!
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