The Real Reasons Our Love Died. BY KARI HARTMANN - - - - Dan: While visiting your home, I discovered a pincher-bug colony under your bed—one you had never noticed. I knew then that it was over, because how could you not know there was a bug colony in your bedroom? But, at the time, I said it was "because I need to concentrate on school." - - - - Todd: One morning, while I was using your bathroom, I happened to get a pair of your soiled boxers stuck to my foot because they were, uh, soiled. I was too embarrassed to say anything, so I blamed our breakup on an allergic reaction to your cat. - - - - Roger: I came face to face with your mother and her long white gloves. I believe I actually did reveal the truth of this breakup, but you didn't realize at the time that the picture I drew on that cocktail napkin of your mother making me cry wasn't a caricature. - - - - Leonard: I thought a boyfriend who liked to smoke when he was tipsy was cute in a '90s-type way, until I realized you were the drunk kissy-snuggle type who didn't see the need for showering after smoking an entire pack of cigarettes. - - - - Scott: The real reason we broke up is that I discovered you were engaged to be married when I picked up the phone one day and took a message from your fiancée. You may not have heard me clearly, but I was screaming obscenities at you as I left. - - - - Ned Cooper Brill D'Amato: Your last name, and all potential hyphenated variants thereof, frightened me. - - - - Mike D.: I think I told you at the time that I wasn't interested in getting serious, but what I meant was "I'm not ready to get serious with a guy who doesn't like dogs and who constantly 'forgets' his wallet when we go out." - - - - Mike T.: Your penis had a birthmark that brought to mind Satan's horns and staff. - - - - Jeffrey: Your inability to calculate a tip or divide a group meal into fair shares—that drove me crazy. Whatever else I said was a bald-faced lie. - - - - Marcus: It was your sudden admission that it was my feet that first attracted you. And it feels good to finally admit that. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - The Real Reasons Our Love Died By Kari Hartmann Baby Teeth The Legend of Me By Jack Handey Responsible Spam By Tom Bartlett The Author's Letter to His Soon-to-Be Ex-Wife By Luciana Lopez

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL