LOBSTER BOY'S FIFTH-GRADE REPORT CARD. BY GREG RUEHLMANN - - - - Math (Ms. Helmann) Grade: A- A pleasure to have in class. Particularly excels at long division. Great work, Lobster Boy! Spelling (Mr. Roberts) Grade: Incomplete So far Lobster Boy has only been able to spell one word: "Gleeerkggh," or something to that effect, which appears to be a call he uses to alert other lobsters of approaching predators. A bit of a daydreaming problem. Art (Mrs. O'Neill) Grade: C+ Lobster Boy's large unwieldy claws tend to prohibit full participation (during 3-D sketching, for example). Can be very sweet, but often frightens his classmates when he jettisons waste matter (cry for attention?). He is using his active listening skills, and we continue to work with him. Social Studies (Mr. Russeau) Grade: B/B+ (Missing homework assignment brings it down slightly!!) Has really gotten into our studies of ancient Greece and Rome. Turned in a very good Egyptian-gods-and-goddesses card game! Sometimes has difficulty following directions, perhaps due to being a lobster. All in all, good work; Lobster Boy has the skills he needs to turn his dream of becoming an archaeologist into a reality. Science (Ms. Ivy) Grade: B Science project was a bit derivative, but was carried through successfully. Solid presentation. Lobster Boy needs to spend less time making clicking noises and nervously rotating antennae, which distracts his classmates. Quiz grades: 88, 97(!), 89, 76. English (Mr. Roberts) Grade: C- Does not work well with others. Lobster Boy has pinched all of his classmates at least six times. I caught him eating a paperback copy of Roald Dahl's The Twits (as you no doubt recall from the parent-teacher conference). Needs significant work. P.E. (Coach Morris) Grade: Check Plus Plus One of our finest athletes. By far the school's best swimmer. Also surprisingly adept at badminton. That Lobster Boy is one fancy cruuuust-a-ce-an! - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Lobster Boy's Fifth-Grade Report Card By Greg Ruehlmann Do You Have an Aztec Problem? What Every Homeowner Should Know By Eric Silver I Don't Know What the Big Deal About Having a Baby Is By Wendy Molyneux Snappy Dressing, the Papal Way The iPod Zepto: Inconceivably Small By Jon Fitch

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