WHEN COPS BOMB.BY DAN KENNEDY- - - - Upon arresting a 41-year-old male for indecent exposure: "You like showing your genitals to people driving by?" "What does ..." "You like showing your penis to strangers driving by?" "Oh ... yes." "Well, you can show it to my sergeant. (Reconsiders.) Actually ... I don't recommend you do that, either." - - - - Upon arresting two female suspects, both in their late 40s, for prostitution: "I can tell you this, ladies: I've arrested you at least 10 times since I've been working out here. And I'm going to get you every time you're out here trying to do this. So the next time you want to try having sex with someone for money, you may as well just call me." "Call you?" "Not to have sex for money, but to get arrested for it, yeah." "You're sayin' we should call the cops on ourselves?" - - - - Upon arresting a 29-year-old male for possession of crack cocaine: "The next time I catch you hanging around the beach at night with a glass pipe, it better be the pipeline of a glassy wave at a surfing spot." "What?" "If I catch you with a pipe, it better be a glassy pipeline that you're surfing on down here at one of the surfing spots." (Pause.) "Do you understand me, young man?" (Pause.) "No." (Longer pause.) "Well, you need a glass ... hearing aid." - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - When Cops Bomb By Dan KennedyKids' Letters From Terrorist Camp By Bob Woodwiss Issue 18 Approaches, Preceded by an Urgent Warning How to Look and Act When Participating in Adventure Sports By Robert Koenig Lobster Boy's Fifth-Grade Report Card By Greg Ruehlmann |
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