Things a Lieutenant Would Say to His Men Before Combat If, Instead of Soldiers in a Central American Revolutionary Conflict, He Thought They Were Characters in Contra for Nintendo.BY NICK CONFALONE- - - - "Teamwork is what this is all about. Having a buddy makes it, like, infinity times better." "If you get hit, then you'll die. Most things you hit die on contact, too, though, except for big bosses." "You can swim in ordinary water in the jungle, but nowhere else. You cannot jump out of the water, but you can drag yourself out of the side. Swimming elsewhere will kill you." "If you are prone (on your belly) and you jump, you will instead drop down to the next floor. There are some floors that don't let you do this. Also, do not drop if there is anything deadly directly above you. Dropping makes you briefly stand up, and you will die." "Your Laser (L) produces a column of what appears to be flame. This weapon is the worst for enemy bases where the soldiers are really tiny." "I should probably mention the energy zone. We don't really know what's going on there, but it leaks like a bitch." "In the hangar, watch out for spiky walls that pop up in front of you. Step onto new platforms with hesitancy. When under the mechanical arms, DON'T FREAK OUT!!! Just take tiny steps one at a time and you'll get to the alien's lair no problem." "As you shoot the final giant alien heart, it will beat faster, just like when you shoot giant human hearts." "When you have finished this mission, you can consider yourself a hero." "Up-up-down-down-left-right-left-right-b-a-start. Live it, love it, learn it." - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Things a Lieutenant Would Say to His Men Before Combat If, Instead of Soldiers in a Central American Revolutionary Conflict, He Thought They Were Characters in Contra for Nintendo By Nick ConfaloneLists, By the Handful NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear a Football Helmet Without Suffocating By Sarah Walter Superman's Fortress of Solitude By Rick Stoeckel Reading-Too-Much-Into-Things Comprehension By Geoff Haggerty |
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