JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES, VOLUME VI.BY JOHN MOE- - - - A Memo Distributed Among the "Project Loverboy" Staff, Regarding "Turn Me Loose."- - - - January 14, 1980 Doctors, As you know, no one is prouder than I am of the work we've done on Project Loverboy. When CIA officials came to me many years ago, I doubted that what they were seeking was possible. But when they put up as many billions of dollars as they did and then provided me with this sprawling laboratory complex, I realized they were committed to achieving peace through means both audacious and brilliant. That's when I hired you and, obviously, we've been here together for the past 12 years. I think we all concur that, in the past six months, we've reached the endgame of Project Loverboy; the final testing and debugging stage before we implement our product upon the world, thereby bringing peace and stability everywhere. And an issue we've struggled with is simply this: when will we know we're done? Today, I had a profound conversation on this very subject. And curiously, it was a conversation with The Creature himself, the manlike cyborg in which all our efforts are encased. I was in Monitoring Station 4, where The Creature was being tested on metabolic rate, blood sugar, and neuro-circuitry functions. Although he's been sentient for the last two years, The Creature rarely converses during these sessions, but today he looked up and asked me a simple question: "Why don't you turn me loose?" I must confess it moved me deeply. Still, I told The Creature that it was far too early and that more testing would be required. After all, the mission outlined would be daunting: to use a pop singer possessed of a superhuman charisma to control the young people of the world into supplication through the hypnotic power of Rock 'n' Roll Music, then transform them into a mighty army to further American interests around the globe, thus creating peace. The Creature, the lead singer of the whole plan, seemed uncomfortably insolent to me as he asked me over and over again why I didn't turn him loose. Are we in danger, I worried, of being overpowered by our own creation? But if this plan is to work, The Creature needs to be at least somewhat independent. And he sensed that. In a plaintive voice, he told me, "I've gotta do it my way." Then he said, "Or no way at all," which I didn't really understand. And, doctors, I think he's right. We can tinker with The Creature for another 10 years and still feel nervous about unleashing him on the world. But there comes a time when you have to let go. We have to realize that we've worked very hard over the years, and we have to trust that those efforts have resulted in a strong and capable Creature. And with an increasingly unstable geopolitical situation, the sooner we turn him loose, the better. Clearly, he thinks he's ready. Without even being aware of his own rhyming, he told me he was here to please, on his knees, and intended to make love to whomever he pleased. The facility with which he expressed these feelings is a credit to the Lyricist Team and the Sexuality Team, who both have worked so hard over the years. And, ladies and gentlemen, I must say that I agree with The Creature. We should turn him loose, let him do it his way (at least let him think he is—we'll still control him from our station at the Naval Observatory), and move Project Loverboy into full operational status. The time has come. Next steps: 1. Appearancewise, I think The Creature is ready. The Design Team has provided some smashing leather outfits. While some may say the red headband is too attractive, I say such power is necessary in achieving our objectives. 2. As for a band, I think we could probably use some earlier Creature prototypes, grab some simple outfits, and teach them some rudimentary musical skills. I suppose we'll call the band "Loverboy" for convenience unless anyone objects. 3. I have approved the "Canadian" version of the backstory, wherein the band hails from Calgary, Alberta. This should help throw off any potential spies from the Soviet Union or Red China as to the American origins of the project. Canada won't know the difference. We will alert our operatives located in the editorial departments of Rolling Stone, Tiger Beat, Hit Parader, Creem, and Billboard. 4. Finally, a name for The Creature. Since we seem to have trouble overcoming the glitch where The Creature can't remember to sing into the microphone, I would like to give him the first name "Mike" as a sort of coded hint. And in recognition of the nearest aboveground city to our complex, I was thinking the last name could be "Reno." (It will also remind us of those crazy days off at The Golden Nugget!) So after all these years of calling him The Creature, we can now call him Mike Reno. Please implement this immediately and consistently. It's unfortunate that your efforts over all these years will never be known publicly, since Project Loverboy will be classified for the next 100 years. But America, and the peaceful world it will soon control, thanks you. And you will always have the satisfaction of watching the career of Mike Reno and Loverboy, whose popularity will last forever. Congratulations, everyone. Dr. Peter Tork - - - - Read more - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - A Memo Distributed Among the "Project Loverboy" Staff, Regarding "Turn Me Loose" By John MoeMy Family's Power Rankings By Christopher Monks Things a Lieutenant Would Say to His Men Before Combat If, Instead of Soldiers in a Central American Revolutionary Conflict, He Thought They Were Characters in Contra for Nintendo By Nick Confalone Lists, By the Handful NFL Mascots That Could Not Actually Wear a Football Helmet Without Suffocating By Sarah Walter |
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.