Fragments From Steroids! The Musical.
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(Time: The past. A teenage MARK McGWIRE is playing baseball. He hits a home run, rounds the bases, slaps the hands of his friends in celebration, then jogs
home, where he immediately bursts into tears.)
MARK McGWIRE
I'm skinny.
I'm scrawny.
I'd rather be brawny.
But bulking up is such hard labor.
I won't do It without
An easier route.
Maybe I'll go ask my neighbor.
(McGWIRE trots next door, where he finds his friend, JOSE CANSECO.)
MARK McGWIRE
Say, Jose,
Do you figure
There's a way
I can get bigger?
(CANSECO explains the benefits of steroids.)
JOSE CANSECO
They say, "God-given talent."
I don't believe in God.
It's left to me to maximize
A bicep or a quad.
They say, "Use what God gave you."
I don't think that's so wise.
You want to have two tree trunks
Instead of human thighs.
So come on, Mark,
Do just what I say.
It'll only be a problem
'Til you see what you weigh.
(Curtain falls.)
(Curtain rises.)
(Time: The present. Congress has convened special hearings on the use of
steroids in baseball.)
MARK McGWIRE
Do steroids make you cry?
I find that I am tearing
Up and don't know why.
I move to end this hearing.
CONGRESSMAN
We are here today
And vested with authority
To investigate this issue.
It's our number-one priority.
It has come to our attention
That baseball players sometimes can grow giant.
The league has banned the substances
That cause this rapid growth. Are you compliant?
MARK McGWIRE
Man, I'm really bawling.
This awkward situation
Is totally appalling.
Have I mentioned my foundation?
CONGRESSMAN
It is my suggestion
That you answer the question
(McGWIRE cannot answer. He is crying. Other baseball players do answer, one
by one. They swing bats as they testify.)
JASON GIAMBI
I apologize, I apologize.
I'll tell it to you straight:
My dream in life is hitting
More than .208.
SAMMY SOSA
I never did it in Chicago.
It's something I abhor.
I packed my bags and happily
Moved off to Baltimore.
RAFAEL PALMIERO
I never did it as an Oriole.
It's something I abhor
I packed my bags and happily
Departed Baltimore.
(I left in '98 and came back in 2004.)
JOSE CANSECO
Do I use? Of course!
I'm as big as a freaking horse.
But not all muscles
Are created equal.
I would be remiss
If I didn't mention this:
My testicles (and the resticles)
have experienced some shrinkage.
To illustrate their horrendous fate
You'd have to have an average man stand next to Peter Dinklage.
JASON GIAMBI
I apologize, I apologize.
I just can't say what for.
Mark: You can stop crying.
You're not talking anymore.
MARK McGWIRE
I'm sobbing like a baby.
My shirt and tie are soaked.
I haven't wept this much
Since the '88 A's choked.
Hershisher just shut us down like we were a joke.
(As the players talk, BARRY BONDS rises from his underground crypt in San Francisco to read from a prepared statement.)
BARRY BONDS
Once upon a time there was a man named Aaron.
Once upon a time before there was a man named Ruth.
The first one makes some sense—there are lots of men named Aaron.
The second one, I am assured, is strange but still the truth.
I raise the issue of these men for one specific reason.
Both of them are very great but not as great as me.
One hit seven fourteen, the other seven fifty-five.
I'll end up with eight hundred. You just wait and see.
Oh ...
Some still doubt
I can hit them out
Without the help of drugs.
Have you seen me swing?
I am everything.
Those pinhead racist thugs.
I insist
When I top the list
Of the best to play this game,
The clear that I took
Shouldn't keep me from the record book.
Children far and wide should know my name.
(Back at the hearings.)
MARK McGWIRE
That song was just so touching.
Sportswriters sure are jerks.
They follow you, they hound you ...
Here come the waterworks.
CONGRESSMAN
We have done our part
In preserving baseball's purity.
But let's wrap this up right now
And fix Social Security.
(Most of the players decline to make final statements.)
JOSE CANSECO
From the dead-ball era to the small-ball era,
Baseball's been resilient.
(I know that seems like a big word
But I'm really rather brilliant.)
I even wrote a slogan that sums up what I think:
"Performance enhancement
Is professional advancement."
Doesn't matter if we're talking needle, cream, or drink.
Drugs are drugs: they have no place in the game.
We can't permit cocaine and marijuana,
But keep out steroids and you will ruin the magic!
Did I mention that I once dated Madonna?
(Time: The past. A teenage MARK McGWIRE is still crying.)
MARK McGWIRE
I'm skinny.
I'm scrawny.
I'd rather be brawny.
But bulking up takes so much work and time.
If only I could
Cut corners, I would.
There's dignity in a victimless crime.
Oh,
There's dignity in a victimless crime.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Fragments From Steroids! The Musical By Ben Greenman
Unused Audio Commentary by Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky, Recorded for the Return of the King (Platinum Series Extended Edition) DVD, Part One of Four By Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell
To Change the Carburetor By Jenn Guitart
2008 Presidential Stump Speech of Billy Bush, Cousin of George W. Bush and Access Hollywood Entertainment Reporter By Teddy Wayne
Cases From the Files of Traig & McGrath, Shut-In Detectives: Case 37 By Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath
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