Love Letters
of a Closed-Caption Editor and a Telegram Operator.
- - - -
March 1
DARLING, I HAD TO WRITE
TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE
YOU. IT'S AGONY ...
(sighs)
... SITTING HERE WRITING
CAPTIONS, AND THINKING
OF YOU OVER THERE
IN ANOTHER TOWN.
(sound of door opening)
OH, THERE'S THE BOSS, SHE'LL
KILL ME IF SHE FINDS OUT
I'M WRITING TO YOU.
GOTTA GO ...
(sound of radio being switched on in office
big-band music playing)
March 2
DARLING STOP WHY DID YOU WAIT SO LONG TO TELL ME STOP YOU KNOW NO ONE EVER MEANT ANYTHING TO ME BUT YOU STOP I LOVE YOU STOP I LOVE YOU STOP I LOVE YOU DOT DOT DOT STOP
March 3
HONEY LAMB, WHAT'S
THIS I HEAR LATELY
ABOUT YOU AND THE
BAKER?
(tense instrumental music)
THEY SAY WHATEVER
YOU'RE MAKING, IT'S
NOT BREAD.
(sound of rimshot)
OH, DARLING, DARLING,
HOW COULD YOU BETRAY
ME LIKE THIS?
("Hearts and Flowers" playing)
March 4
HOW COULD YOU DOUBT ME STOP THE BAKER AND I ARE JUST OLD FRIENDS WHO LIKE TO BOWL TOGETHER STOP IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME YOU WOULD TRUST ME STOP I DONT KNOW WHAT TO THINK STOP MY HEART IS BROKEN STOP SIGH STOP SOB SOB SOB STOP
March 5
SWEETIE-PIE, I'M SORRY
I EVER DOUBTED YOU.
LET'S GET MARRIED
AS SOON AS WE CAN.
I'VE BOUGHT A RING.
(sound of co-workers admiring the ring)
YOU'RE AS LOVELY AS A SPR-
ING DAY OR A SHINING ST-
AR. I AWAIT YOUR REPLY.
(sound of heart beating)
March 6
OH YES COMMA DARLING COMMA YES COMMA YES COMMA 1000 TIMES YES STOP I WILL MARRY YOU STOP KEEP SAYING THOSE WONDERFUL WORDS TO ME AND DONT STOP STOP DONT STOP STOP DONT STOP
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Love Letters of a Closed-Caption Editor and a Telegram Operator By Jaime J. Weinman
The Lyrics to the Billy Joel Song "We Didn't Start the Fire" If They Were Written by a Muskrat Instead of by Billy Joel By David Litt
Fragments From Steroids! The Musical By Ben Greenman
Unused Audio Commentary by Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky, Recorded for the Return of the King (Platinum Series Extended Edition) DVD, Part One of Four By Jeff Alexander and Tom Bissell
To Change the Carburetor By Jenn Guitart
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.