If Only They Kept Diaries: Roadrunner. BY JEFF STEINBRINK - - - - Monday Up early. Ran like hell. No sign of coyote. Ate. Fidgeted. Ran like hell. Tuesday Up early. Ran (speed work). Trompe l'oeil master class, 10 to noon. Meaning to push beyond highway-disappearing-into-tunnel, tried highway-disappearing-into-ballet-class (after Degas). Results unsettling. Light lunch. Coyote assembling whirlybird device (rotor, dynamite, etc.) in box canyon. Listens to Jimmy Buffett. Ran like hell. Barn swallows over for drinks. Wednesday Up early. Put in call to legal team about slapping coyote w/ restraining order. Same old same old—plaintiff shows no signs of emotional distress. Maybe if their guano turned lavender ... Didn't check on coyote but Buffett still echoing out of canyon. Pilates class depressing, might go back to hot yoga. Bad day. Broke training bigtime w/ tequila shooters. Thursday Woke to sound of whirlybird overhead. Ran coyote into mountainside; fireworks wasted in daytime. Whirlybird parts everywhere. Jogged home. Appetite good at lunch. Worked on upper body in p.m.—Bowflex, half-hour on the light bag. Drank a little. Friday Up early, not feeling 100 percent. Headache. Sore throat (sound like a Daewoo!). Runs. Did a little light roadwork, took it easy. Hard to stay cocky, perky. Coyote said to be fine but smells like brimstone. Sharks say coyote likely to countersue. Bring it. Saturday Slept in, then wind sprints. Had enough of Jimmy Buffett. Coyote over goth phase. Practiced running-off-cliff trick, put in call to David Blaine. Bowels better. Jumped rope in p.m. till iPod battery died. Honk returning. Drank alone. Sunday Up early. Too quiet. Coyote suddenly roaring down out of canyon w/ rocket pack on back. Fair chase. Ran him into mountainside. Created highway-disappearing-into-Gauguin-like-paradise illusion (in < 2 sec.). Blaine's people called, insist running-off-cliff trick is no trick. Whatever. Light speed work in p.m. Shooters. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - If Only They Kept Diaries: Roadrunner By Jeff Steinbrink Vacations With Mother and Father By David Connerley Nahm Three Short Things for Monday Dear People Magazine, Keep Up the Great Cyclops Coverage By Jack Pendarvis Everyone Knows Jose By Jason Roeder

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