Your Best Guy Friend Is Me. BY NICK CONFALONE - - - - Hello, beautiful woman! Do you like shopping? You do? Then let us go to the local shopping mall and I will watch you try on serapes at the Anthropologie store. I did not know there were so many different kinds of serape! Yes, please model them for me! You will try them on and sometimes I will say I like them, but sometimes I will say I do not. Don't take my serape evaluation too seriously, though, because these are just random things I say since I don't really care. No, I am kidding. Of course I care. You look wonderful. Beautiful woman, come in my house! Why are you crying? Oh, no! When did he tell you? That is because he is stupid. I never liked that boy. Here, let me hug you. Now my hug has filled your heart with gladness, but not the kind of gladness that leads to sexual encounters. Now let us consume ice cream while watching the television. I think Sex and the City is on. Yes, it is my favorite, too. No, beautiful woman, I was frowning because I thought of something that is sad but completely unrelated to what we are talking about. Look, I am smiling now. And, yes, I would much rather go hiking with you than watch the Eagles game. Why so glum, chum? Don't worry, I shall dance the night away with you when no other boys will do so. Here, look how I flail my arms to make you laugh. And look at this: if I don't bend my knees I will dance like a robot! Giggle while I speak in my silly robot voice: ZZZT ZZZT I AM A ROBOT! Now laugh and tell me to dance normal! Say it! Tell me to dance, clown, dance! Hello? No, I was not asleep. Of course I will come pick you up at the party. Four guys? Why not? Well, he should have given you a ride home. If we ever made out, I would take you home. Huh? No, nothing. Wow, you sure are a hoot tonight. Please stop yelling into the phone; I'm almost there. OK. Get in. How many shots? Wow. OK, please stop trying to open the door; it is locked. Also the window. They are both locked. Because I locked them. Gosh, I can't wait to sleep next to you tonight. I will be careful not to touch any part of your body in a sexual manner, and in the morning I will gladly clean up any vomit that may have accumulated on my bed and/or toothbrush. We are laughing and having so much fun! You are? I am tipsy also! Now listen: I want to have sex with you. What? No! Of course I'm kidding! That could hurt our friendship and that is what I value most of all. Yes. Hm? Oh, is that your cell phone ringing? If it is Suicidal Loneliness calling, it's for me. No, I'm kidding again. Now give me the phone so I can stab the antenna through my eye. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Your Best Guy Friend Is Me By Nick Confalone Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Cashier: A Day in the Life By Meredith Gray Scenes From The Undead Big Chill By Ross Murray The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Four By Dave Johnston Art Garfunkel: Television Guest Star By John Moe

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