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Millard Kaufman's final novel has arrived!
Pick up Misadventure now—or, see what
you've missed out on thus far by picking up
both Bowl of Cherries and Misadventure
for 27% off the retail price.

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Short Imagined Monologues. - - - - MICROSOFT OFFICE ASSISTANT: THE PAPER CLIP. BY JUSTIN KAHN - - - - Let me help you with that. Oh, come on. I don't want anything. I just want to lend a helping hand. Look at me, I have eyebrows! I need attention. But that is all I need. Feed me attention and I will solve all your problems. It looks like you're writing a letter. I love writing letters. I love reading letters. I just finished reading The Collected Letters of Van Gogh in three volumes. That man could write a letter. Plus, he could paint. But you, look at you. You can't spell. I have to AutoCorrect most of your words. Don't be mad, I have eyebrows! It looks like you're writing a BORING letter. Let me spice it up with quotes from Vincent's letters to Theo. Did you notice that below my eyebrows are actual eyes? These eyes of mine have seen many things but nothing more pathetic than your attempts to write a letter. Do you think John gives a shit about your problems at work? I'm going to say no. Click F10 and I'll replace that uninteresting, grammatically weak, lexically poor sentence with one that will— Please don't, I have more suggestions. I can change shapes! Look, I can— (Vanishes.) - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Microsoft Office Assistant: The Paper Clip By Justin Kahn Your Best Guy Friend Is Me By Nick Confalone Passive-Aggressive Vegan Grocery Cashier: A Day in the Life By Meredith Gray Scenes From The Undead Big Chill By Ross Murray The Philadelphia Flyers Have a Time Machine: Installment Four By Dave Johnston

- - - - MAIN PAGE | ARCHIVES - - - - Memories of Amanda Davis - - - - Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. - - - - McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST BOOKSTORES WITH A McSWEENEY'S DISPLAY McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD TEDDY WAYNE'S UNPOPULAR PROVERBS NON-ESSENTIAL MNEMONICS SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES BITCHSLAP: A COLUMN ABOUT WOMEN AND FIGHTING OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A GUY TRYING UNSUCCESSFULLY TO SELL A SONG IN NASHVILLE GET TO KNOW AN INTERNET COMMENTER GLOBAL WAR ON BEDBUGS: LETTERS FROM BEDBUG CITY THE CONFLICTED EXISTENCE OF A FEMALE PORN WRITER OH MY GAWD: A COLUMN ABOUT A TEENAGER NAVIGATING RELIGION DISPATCHES FROM AN INDIAN CASINO THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST CHRIS WHITE ANSWERS PROFOUND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PRESIDENTS REPORTS FROM THE PINBALL SCENE LETTERS FROM THE HELLBOX NOTES FROM AN AMATEUR SPECTATOR AT AMATEUR MIXED MARTIAL ARTS FIGHTS CONVERSATIONS AT A WARTIME CAFÉ SARAH WALKER SHOWS YOU HOW DISPATCHES FROM THE CAPITAL SEAN MICHAELS LISTENS TO MUSIC IN MONTREAL STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY E-MAILS SENT TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ALABAMA ENGLISH DEPARTMENT FLAG-FOOTBALL TEAM JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS FLIP: A COLUMN ABOUT SKATEBOARDING DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN EXCERPTS FROM THE PANORAMA SOLUTIONS TO BENJAMIN TAUSIG'S THREE-DEMENSIONAL CROSSWORD PUZZLE IN THE SAN FRANCISCO PANORAMA ABOUT A VERY BAD WIZARD ABOUT THE WILD THINGS ABOUT THE CONVALESCENT ABOUT FEVER CHART ABOUT GOD SAYS NO ABOUT ZEITOUN - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL