THINGS
YOU CAN LEARN
ABOUT THE PLOT OF
THE NEXT HARRY POTTER
BOOK JUST BY LOOKING
AT THE COVER ART.
BY MATTHEW A. COHEN
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Given his prominent placement on the cover, it is unlikely that the first line of the book will be "Harry was surprised and saddened by Dumbledore's sudden death, and he vowed to never think of the old wizard again."
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Harry is getting older, but he's still not old enough to get bifocals.
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Harry will learn a powerful new spell that will help him fight off the forces of darkness. Or perhaps somebody just spiked the punch bowl for Hogwart's junior prom.
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The lady who illustrates the covers ran out of blue paint on The Order of the Phoenix, so she had to switch to green. Will the seventh book be hot pink? I, for one, can't wait to find out.
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Judging by the way he is wielding his wand, Harry is left-handed. Why did J.K. Rowling leave out this important detail from the first five books? Perhaps Harry has entered a mysterious mirror world. Or maybe that's not the real Harry but a magical doppelgänger. I hope it's a doppelgänger. I'm rather proud of the fact that I can not only define but also spell the word doppelgänger, and, frankly, it doesn't come up a lot in casual conversation. I haven't been able to use it since I read The Brothers Karamazov. See? I've read Dostoyevsky. I told you I was a smart guy.
- - - -
Based on an analysis of the handwriting used to spell out "and the Half-Blood Prince," we can conclusively state that in Book 6 Lucius Malfoy will be killed, Ron and Hermione will begin dating, and Snape will finally get to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts.
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We still can't determine the identity of the half-blood prince, but we can safely assume that this mysterious figure has been supplying Harry with all the fixings for his awesome, glowing bong.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Things You Can Learn About the Plot of the Next Harry Potter Book Just by Looking at the Cover Art By Matthew A. Cohen
How to Beat Off Invaders From Space; or, What to Do When the Aliens Come By Dave Johnston
These Are Lists, What of It?
The Seduction of the World's Wildest Beasts: A How-To By Megan Thoma
Courageous Blast: The Legacy of America's Most Radical Gum By Jack Pendarvis
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