Spy vs. Spy:
The Unused Treatments.
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1.
White Spy orders a Mountain Dew from a hot-dog vendor on Broadway and 45th. Black Spy, thinking that White Spy would buy a hot dog instead of a Mountain Dew, replaced all the hot dogs with arsenic-laced dynamite earlier in the day to give them "that extra zip." The hot-dog vendor, unaware he has been sabotaged, attributes his last 40 customers' spontaneous combustion to the addition of a "secret sauce." White Spy drinks the Mountain Dew and feels refreshed. He begins wondering why nobody—particularly his black friend—has tried to kill him yet. Thinking that today might be an uneventful one, White meanders into Central Park and watches children play baseball. He is at peace. It's a Sunday. White thinks that maybe the two spies have started a tradition of rest on the Sabbath. While he sips his soda in the sun, a tree comes crashing down, just missing his head. He looks up and sees Black Spy holding a giant saw. Little does Black know, but, on a hunch, White cut an even taller tree in the same location at 3:30 in the morning in such a way that it would fall at that exact moment on Black. Black has a headache, and both realize they will never be religious.
2.
Black Spy is vacationing at his favorite water park. He goes every year, and every year he tells himself he will build up enough courage to go down the 90-foot slide, but he never does. "This year will be different," he says to himself. White Spy has planted a wiring device on Black's bathing suit and has heard every word. Quickly, but clandestinely, White breaks the neck of a water-park employee and steals his clothes. He comes out of the bathroom in perfect disguise. He tells the person working on the top of the 90-foot slide that his shift is over and it's time for lunch. The employee sees that it is 6 p.m., but, earlier in the story, he was told by the water-park supervisor never to question an order. Meanwhile, Black is waiting in line. He is very nervous and thinks it would be ironic if the slide killed him and not his friend/enemy White. White thinks the same thing, but because he has dyslexic thoughts—a problem he is too embarrassed to tell anyone about—he stops thinking altogether. Black is now next in line, and White smells blood. He concentrates so much on Black that he sends a 7-year-old boy down the slide too early, and the boy crashes into a 400-pound man who has been stuck in the middle of the slide for some time. The slide has to shut down. Black is relieved because he has an excuse not to go down the slide for another year. He also notices that the water-park employee standing right in front of him looks "familiar." Black decides to float in the lazy river. Naturally, White follows, and when he gets into his inner tube, he realizes it has been slashed. Black begins laughing to himself, recalling a heart-to-heart conversation White had with his mother in which he told her he couldn't swim.
3.
The setting is the Academy Awards. The whole year, White has been getting nothing but critical acclaim for his portrayal of a boxer who brought the nation together in the post-Depression pre-World War II era. In the climactic scene, White has to face his twin brother, whom he hasn't seen since birth. Black desperately wanted the part of the twin, but the casting director said he didn't have "the look." White is the odds-on favorite to win Best Actor, having come out on top in both the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards. Black has tried to ignore the media blitz leading up to the awards, but, as he told Time magazine, "It's hard when we live in the same apartment." Riddled with jealousy, Black rigs the golden statue to explode when White says, "I didn't prepare a speech." Hilary Swank comes out to present the award, and she informs the audience that last year she "didn't prepare a speech." Hilary Swank blows up. It turns out the Oscar was supposed to go to Sean Penn for his portrayal of a boxer with a mustache. Disappointed and alone, White drinks a martini at the afterparty. Black joins him and buys him another. White looks at the new martini with some trepidation, wondering if the green olive is some sort of explosive. Black is hurt. "Listen, that martini is genuine," he says. "I know where the line is and when not to cross it. I'm sorry about your loss. I know you worked hard." White hugs Black, and for a second they wonder why they try to kill each other when they have so much in common. They know that, in a world filled with so much hatred, all they have is one another.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Spy vs. Spy: The Unused Treatments By Seth Reiss
Things You Can Learn About the Plot of the Next Harry Potter Book Just by Looking at the Cover Art By Matthew A. Cohen
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The Seduction of the World's Wildest Beasts: A How-To By Megan Thoma
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