AN
AT FIRST
SEMI-SCIENTIFIC
BUT THEN INCREASINGLY
FANBOY ATTEMPT TO
IDENTIFY WHICH
VISIBLE HIGH-GRAVITY
STAR CLUSTER
IS THE STAR WARS
GALAXY.
- - - -
Andromeda
Too obvious, and too close. The only argument for this "whirlpool" galaxy is its glowing core—just like the one that Luke, Leia, and the droids gaze upon at the end of Empire. Still, there are a lot of whirlpool galaxies (about 100 billion), and Andromeda, at 2.2 million light-years from Earth, is hardly that "far, far away."
M102
This galaxy has a nice, bright core, being a prime example of a lenticular, or "spindle," galaxy. Lenticular galaxies consist of older stars, which would make them younger "a long time ago," depending on how long ago "a long time ago" was. M102 is a sticky candidate, though, because the galaxy was dubbed a "probable" lenticular galaxy, due to confusions in the Messier catalog. Scientists are still debating its classification. So, like, we'll consider it when they figure that all out.
M77
This light-ringed galaxy looks the part—exotic, brightly illuminated, with a creamy, delicious center and a stunning halo around the frontier—but it's also a Seyfert galaxy, which are famous for large numbers of quasars and intense radio and X-radiation emissions. Then again, though Obi-Wan never cruises past any quasars, the 3-D videographic communication devices always look kind of staticky. Radio interference, perhaps?
Leo I (Regulus)
Honestly, Han Solo does not live in a dwarf galaxy. I don't care what anybody says. Dwarf galaxies are for losers. Maybe those lame-ass Ewoks live in a dwarf galaxy—it would befit their total lame-assness—but no dwarf galaxy I've ever known was worthy of the Millennium Falcon, OK? Are we all, like, in agreement on this one?
The Large and Small Magellanic Clouds
They may be small, but these purplish twin star systems would seem like a proper setting since, you know, everything important seems to happen on, like, five planets. I'm beginning to think that that backwater Tatooine is the best place going, 'cause if it's not happening on freeze-your-ass-off Hoth or in the twang-your-banjo backwoods of Endor, desert-and-giant-sandworm Tatooine seems like the place to be. I mean, what's the Empire being so piggy about if there's only a frozen planet, a desert planet, a volcanic planet, and a teddy-bear nature reserve to fight over? No wonder everybody cool lives on Coruscant—they even have awesome flying cars and weird alien discos. Fuck Tatooine.
Conclusions
My vote goes to M77, even if its name isn't very cool. Better than "Naboo." God, what a stupid name.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
An At First Semi-Scientific but Then Increasingly Fanboy Attempt to Identify Which Visible High-Gravity Star Cluster Is the Star Wars Galaxy By Robert Isenberg
World-Historical Cheneys By Benjamin Cohen
Five People Just as Doctrinaire and Tiresome as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Speculate on How He Got That Way By Bob Woodiwiss
The Internal Monologue of a Progressive-Rock Fan Choosing His Wedding Song By Wayne Gladstone and G. Xavier Robillard
Spy vs. Spy: The Unused Treatments By Seth Reiss
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