HISTORY'S
MOST LOPSIDED TRADES,
AS RENEGOTIATED
BY OAKLAND A'S
GENERAL MANAGER
BILLY BEANE.
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Original Trade: Boston Red Sox trade Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees for $125,000 (1920).
Beane Trade: Red Sox also acquire rights to high-school star Lou Gehrig, California kindergartner Joe DiMaggio, and unborn son of semipro player and zinc miner Mutt Mantle; as part of three-way deal, the word "curse" is expunged from the Oxford English Dictionary.
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Original Trade: Native Americans trade Manhattan to Dutch for $24 worth of wampum beads (1620).
Beane Trade: Native Americans retain property rights to areas that will eventually become Greenwich Village and Soho, and receive two islands to be named later (Curacao and Saint Martin).
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Original Trade: Billy Hutchinson trades triangulated and crustless PB&J sandwich and Capri Sun Orange Burst to Georgie Stepman for one Oreo (1992).
Beane Trade: PB&J remains crustless but is no longer triangulated; Hutchinson relinquishes only the Capri Sun backwash; he receives first-round dessert picks for Wednesday and Thursday lunches, as well as compensatory pick of that day's nap rug; and the Oreo is upgraded to Double Stuf.
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Original Trade: Ghana trades gold to Morocco for equal weight in salt (seventh-14th centuries).
Beane Trade: Ghana receives full 20-jar revolving spice rack.
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Original Trade: Paul Thompson trades Baltic Ave. and Mediterranean Ave. to his older brother for a one-time "safety" on Boardwalk (2005).
Beane Trade: Paul accepts $4,000 (to be paid out in $500 bills); his choice of the racecar or thimble in the next game; one week of "safeties" from unprovoked noogies and dead arms; and guarantee of second place in upcoming beauty contest.
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Original Trade: John Lurie's character exchanges his jacket for Tom Waits's character's jacket at the end of Jim Jarmusch's Down by Law (1986).
Beane Trade: Lurie obtains Waits's riches, fame, whiskey-soaked charisma, and invitations to act in future Jarmusch films.
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Original Trade: U.S. trades arms to Iran in return for unsuccessful release of hostages, black eye of Iran-Contra affair, and future threat of nuclear attack from one of the Axes of Evil (1986).
Beane Trade: Ayatollah Khomeini releases hostages; decides to fund Nicaraguan Contras himself without any illegal American involvement; and inspires the next generation of Iranians to worship Coca-Cola and, through an unprecedented 14-year contract, NBC's Thursday-night primetime schedule (with an option in the 15th year for several blue-chip prospects from General Electric's nuclear-weapons arsenal).
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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History's Most Lopsided Trades, as Renegotiated by Oakland A's General Manager Billy Beane By Teddy Wayne
The Real Behind the Music By Joe John
Like It or Not, You're No Bob Costas By Sarah Walker
A Place of Danger: Alone and Adrift in Toronto Over Christmas Break By Jenny Traig and Stephen Elliott
A Selection From George W. Bush's Eavesdropping Tapes: Matthew Barney and Björk Place an Ikea Phone Order By Chris McCoy
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