SCENES FROM
LORD OF THE RINGS
THAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
USED AS SETUPS FOR BAD
COMMERCIALS HAD THE
FILMMAKERS NOT
RESPECTED THE
MATERIAL.
BY CODY JAMES
- - - -
EXT. ORC CAMP, ON THE DOORSTEP
OF FANGORN FOREST
ORC: I'm starving. We ain't 'ad nothin' but maggoty bread for three stinkin' days! What about them? (Indicates hobbits.) They're fresh.
URUK-HAI: They are not for eating!
ORC: What about their legs? They don't need those. Ooh—they look tasty.
URUK-HAI: They will need their legs, you scum!
ORC: Why?!
URUK-HAI: To be first in line when Gorman Mitsubishi opens its doors February 18. For one day only, they're offering up to $3,000 in dealer incentives on all 2006 models.
ORC: (Incredulous.) Even the hot new Eclipse?!
URUK-HAI: Aye.
ORC: Arghhh! What are we waiting for?!
- - - -
(LEGOLAS bounds up a rocky outcropping and surveys the landscape. ARAGORN approaches.)
ARAGORN: What do your elf eyes see?
LEGOLAS: There ... in the distance ... (Points excitedly) ... two arches of gold.
(ARAGORN smiles. LEGOLAS returns it. They bound down the hill. Then:)
GIMLI: (Off-camera.) Wait for me!
INT. MCDONALD'S—LATER
(ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, and GIMLI have just placed their orders.)
CASHIER: For a limited time, you can buy your favorite Lord of the Rings character figurines for just $1.99 with the purchase of any Value Meal.
(They look at each other and nod approvingly.)
LATER
(They are hungrily shoving burgers in their mouths at a table.)
LEGOLAS: Aragorn, who have you chosen?
(He sheepishly produces a movable figurine of Arwen and blushes. LEGOLAS and GIMLI smile knowingly.)
ARAGORN: And you, my friends—who did you choose?
(Simultaneously, they produce their figurines. LEGOLAS has GIMLI, and vice versa. They all look at each other and laugh heartily.)
ARAGORN: (Clapping and laughing.) I'm lovin' it!
- - - -
(A grief-stricken KING THEODEN surveys grassy mounds, peppered with white flowers, outside the walls of Edoras. GANDALF watches with great concern.)
THEODEN: Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears.
(GANDALF places a comforting hand on THEODEN's shoulder.)
GANDALF: And ever will it, thanks to the Miracle-Gro LiquaFeed system. (Hands him the product.)
THEODEN: (Heartened.) Really?
GANDALF: (Nodding.) With the new ready-to-use hose attachment, feeding is as easy as watering. When Theodred's spirit finds its way to the halls of your fathers, he shall look upon it with pride.
THEODEN: No parent should have to bury their child, but at least this hallowed ground will be beautiful, colorful, and lush, thanks to Miracle-Gro. (Cries bitterly.)
- - - -
(LORD DENETHOR paces about in the courtyard high above Minas Tirith.)
DENETHOR: My sons are spent. My line has ended. The house of Stewards has failed. Rohan has deserted us. Theoden has betrayed me. Abandon your posts! Flee! Flee for your lives!
PIPPIN: My lord, you don't need to feel this way.
DENETHOR: All hope is lost. The city has fallen.
PIPPIN: No, my lord. Hope yet remains.
DENETHOR: Hope?! What does a hobbit know of hope?
PIPPIN: I know this. (Produces a small capsule and hands it to DENETHOR.)
DENETHOR: Wellbutrin?
PIPPIN: Taken once daily, it can help you feel like yourself again. And there's a low risk of sexual side effects.
DENETHOR: I release you from my service. And myself, from the symptoms of clinical depression.
- - - -
(GANDALF reads from the book in Balin's tomb.)
GANDALF: They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep.
(Outside the room, A DRUM BEATS RHYTHMICALLY—dum, dum, dum. BOROMIR hurries to the door and peers out.)
BOROMIR: (Despairing.) Pink bunnies!
GIMLI: (Brandishes ax.) Arrh, let them come! There is one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!
SAMWISE: Coneys, Mr. Frodo! Perhaps we'll have a proper supper after all!
FRODO: Nothing dampens your spirits, Sam.
(The drumming grows louder. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a flood of Energizer rabbits pours through. THE FELLOWSHIP stands there, confused and outnumbered. GANDALF picks one up and pops open its battery compartment. Tight shot on Energizers—AA size. GANDALF takes the batteries out and slips them into his staff. The amulet glows more brightly than ever.)
GANDALF: To the Bridge of Khazad-dûm!
THE FELLOWSHIP: (In unison.) Yay!
(They charge out the door, leaving the ocean of rabbits behind. A few moments later, their drumsticks glow blue. They eye each other nervously. Cue logo and tones.)
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Scenes From Lord of the Rings That Might Have Been Used as Setups for Bad Commercials Had the Filmmakers Not Respected the Material By Cody James
A Mother's Plea By Jim Stallard
Whoops! By Mike Sacks
Our Policy on Marriage By Ken Budd
Things You Can Do If You Love Jesus Other Than Honk By Jen Goodhue
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