CELEBRITY
BIOGRAPHIES WRITTEN
BY A GUY WHO CANNOT
DISTINGUISH FICTION
FROM REALITY.
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Harrison Ford
After a lackluster high-school career at Maine Township High School East, in Park Ridge, Illinois, Harrison Ford dropped out of Ripon College, in Wisconsin, and turned to intergalactic smuggling to pay his way. After a brief stint as a war hero, he turned to
academia, becoming a well-known professor of archaeology, and took up one of his most beloved hobbies, Nazi killing. It was during this period that he was reunited with his father, James Bond. Although he was briefly accused (and then exonerated) of killing his wife, it came as no surprise when, in 1997, Mr. Ford was elected President James Marshall and foiled a Kazakhstani terrorist attack (led by Dracula, no less!) by simply asking the terrorists to get off his plane. After doing some other things no one really cares about, he started dating single female lawyer Calista Flockhart. He and Ally McBeal currently split their time between L.A. and Wyoming.
Samuel L. Jackson
In 1993, Samuel L. Jackson was eaten by a dinosaur. Then, after arguing with a dancing Vinnie Barbarino about what hamburgers were called in France, Samuel "King of Cool" Jackson was really badass for a really long time. He accomplished this by talking loudly and using lots of harsh language. In 1997, he was almost eaten by an anaconda in the rain forests of Brazil, but then I remembered that was actually Ice Cube. He was, however, eaten by a shark in 1999. Then, he was a Jedi, and although nothing ate him he was electrocuted by an old man and some extremely bad digital effects. He was almost eaten by snakes in 2006, but, luckily, since that movie was rated R, he was able to fight them off using a fair amount of violence and some extremely harsh language. Mr. Jackson is an avid golfer and, unbeknownst to most, a vegetarian.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Arnold spent his youth developing an ungodly physique and learning to speak English with a really funny accent. Then, some things blew up. Then, he killed some people. Then, some more stuff blew up. Then, he killed some more people. Sometimes he used a sword. Then, after almost being killed by some people, he killed them, and then blew them up. Then, after being blown up by some people who were trying to kill him, he killed them by blowing them up. At some point during that, he was a robot from the future that lost its memory and went to Mars. Or something like that. However, after such a career, he did the only thing an Austrian immigrant who can barely speak English and specializes in grimacing in front of cameras for long periods of time can do—make a cameo in Around the World in 80 Days, starring Jackie Chan. Oh, yeah, I think he got into politics, too.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Celebrity Biographies Written by a Guy Who Cannot Distinguish Fiction From Reality By Ben Joseph
Johnny Knoxville's Letters to His Brother By Justin Warner
Aquaman, King of the Seven Seas, Has Fucking Had It With You, Man By Glen Weldon
Revised Corporate E-mail Signature By Dan Kennedy
Submission Guidelines for Our Refrigerator Door By Christopher Monks
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