RECENTLY
RETIRED FEDERAL
RESERVE CHAIRMAN
ALAN GREENSPAN
WARNS HIS NEW PUPPY
AGAINST "IRRATIONAL
EXUBERANCE."
BY MICHAEL WARD
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MEMORANDUM
TO: Roark
FROM: Your buddy Al
DATE: October 21, 2006
RE: The Challenge of Stabilizing Your Exuberance Level Throughout Your Continuing Development
In the two months since I obtained you from the shelter, I have had ample opportunity to collect data on your behavior, and I have to report that I am, for the most part, quite pleased so far.
Although you initially had numerous problems with excessive liquidity, you have done an impressive job of developing internal controls, as well as external communications to provide others enough warning to take preventive action.
Your early problems of insufficient consumption also proved to be transitory. In fact, your consumption has grown so fast that we may need to switch to a stance of tightening our policy so you can avoid excess weight that might put unnecessary drag upon you.
Another area where you have made admirable progress is your risk profile. Initially, I was worried that you had a distinct tendency to underweight situational risk. Whether it was wandering casually toward the freeway or nipping at the tail of a 120-pound pit bull, you displayed a distinct inability to assess potential threats. Fortunately, you seem to have made measurable progress in this area, even if it did take the claws of a large tabby to focus your attention on this matter.
All in all, I must applaud the upward trend of most relevant indicators for your development from puppyhood to maturity.
There is, however, one aspect of your behavior that does portend some trouble, and that is your continuing irrational exuberance. While it is understandable that immediately after your arrival you would find everything to cause the most extreme excitement, it seems like a threshold may have been crossed where your excitement must stabilize.
So that you do not think I am issuing this warning without cause, let me enumerate a few examples. When you enter a room, your current practice involves sprinting full speed to each person in the room in turn, jumping onto him or her, and then proceeding to the next one. Although this was laudable behavior in your earlier days, it is time to consider a more restrained entrance and greeting policy.
Another case where your exuberance occasionally crosses into irrationality involves flying objects. While there are many cases where flying objects in your vicinity are intended for your pursuit, this is not always the case. A less exuberant stance toward flying objects would allow you to discern more accurately which objects were not intended for your pursuit.
The final example involves ingestion. The enthusiasm you display upon finding any biodegradable substance within reach of your mouth creates a potential health hazard. Your current protocol of treating any substance that can be devoured as one that must be devoured exuberantly is unsustainable and should be revisited without delay.
Although I offer these examples and this gentle warning, it is not my intention to move you "dogmatically" to an entirely nonexuberant posture. Quite the contrary. Exuberance in a dog is frequently the appropriate demeanor. My warning applies only to situations where such exuberance is irrational.
I suppose that you could argue that my logic is untenable due to the incessant problem in economics of defining "rationality" and "irrationality." You could claim that a strong definition of rationality requires that I make improper assumptions about preferences, and that a weak definition forces me into the tautology of declaring that all choices must be rational because they were chosen. You could make these arguments, but I do not believe you will, because you are a puppy.
Since corrective action is always less difficult and less complicated when taken early, I am offering you this mild warning to assist you in planning appropriate steps. Now let's play fetch.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Selections From the Notebooks of Max Roosevelt, 15-Year-Old Socialist By Ben Dwertman
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