A WEB LOG
OR "BLOG" STARTED
IN AN ATTEMPT FOR ME,
GARY KIMBALL, TO GET
CLOSER TO MY 15-YEAR-
OLD SON, MARCUS, WHO'S
LIVING WITH HIS MOM
AND HER NEW HUSBAND,
RICK.
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July 24, 2006
HEY, MARCUS!!! IT'S YOUR OL' MAN HERE AND I'M DOING SOME "BLOGGING" IN AN INTERNET CAFÉ! PRETTY COOL HUH? Ever since your Mom threw me out of the house for pursuing my dream of playing poker professionally, we don't see each other as often as I would like. So ... WHASSAAAAAAAP! Remember those Budweiser beer advertisements? Those were funny, we used to laugh at those together, remember? I'm Laughing Out Loud with all the memories we shared, except for the last few years, especially that time at the beer garden in the German section of EPCOT Center. Don't ever drink, son. Particularly within the confines of a heavily fortified amusement park ... Talk soon! YOUR POP!
August 11, 2006
HEY! I haven't heard from you after my last "shout out," so I was wondering if you had seen my "blog?" When I called the house the other day, your mother's new husband Rick answered, so I pretended I was your friend Kenny. You do have a friend named Kenny, right? I'm sorry that we didn't get to talk, son. I suppose I got kind of flustered because of that time Rick threatened me with physical violence for sneaking into the garage and taking a nap. How was I supposed to know he had moved in?!! And how the hell was I supposed to know he would be so incredibly sensitive about my belt-buckle scraping the roof of his brand-new Porsche Cayenne?!! I should have left a number for you to call back, but I haven't yet figured out this new "cell phone." So tiny! Hope to hear from you real soon, hombre! COOL! Dad
September 1, 2006
Great News, fella! I met a real "hottie" in the Wal-Mart parking lot a few nights ago! Are girls a part of your world yet, son? Can I give you a piece of valuable, well-earned advice? Never surprise a female by emerging partially nude from out of a pup-tent in their parking spot. Women are a different breed, Marcus. They really, really are ... TERRIFIC talk, son! Hang on a sec, Marcus! Looks like I have to give up my seat for a kid who's writing a book report on Beverly Cleary. I always did hate libraries! Not to mention intellectuals! By the way, is your e-mail really BlowItOutYourAs@yahoo.com? Only one "s"? I can't seem to get an answer there. Anyway, hotshot, REMEMBER TO KEEP IT REAL ... I know I am! Your Dumb ol' Dad
September 27, 2006
LISTEN UP, YO! PLEASE BE EXTRA PATIENT WITH YOUR NEW "FATHER" RICK! I imagine he can sometimes be a little show-offy, what with his extensive knowledge of math and science and history and pop culture and always wanting to help you for hours on end with your homework. Everybody knows he's just playing a role, and that this role of "The Hip and Successful Heart Surgeon Who's Also Fantastic with Step-Kids" grows old REAL quick. But would you just play along with him for your real Pop? I mean, when he takes you to the professional football games with his front row seats or to all those rap music concerts in the city that you both love attending so much, would you buy him a soda? Or a candy bar? Would you do that for your old man? ... Owe Ya One, Kiddo! DADDIO
October 4, 2006
Gotta make it real quick, "dude," seeing as I'm at the Radio Shack and not paying to use this computer and they're closing in 10 minutes. Just a few Odds & Ends ... Bought a pair of fresh underwear. Infection in the earlobe almost gone (no more cool earrings, my man!). And yes, that was me riding the children's bike on my paper route when you honked your horn and swerved in my direction on Clopper Road. Why didn't you tell me you turned 16 and finally got your driver's license?! Where was I all those years?! Seriously, where was I? PLEASE WRITE BACK! Or have you? Can't really keep track of this whole "e-mail thing." So confusing! Kind of miss the ol' pen & paper! Hey I think Radio Shack might be clos
October 26, 2006
Sorry it's been so long, Kemosabe!! Remember a few years ago when I was arrested for drinking too much Lite beer and then digging a tunnel behind your elementary school to search for "gold"? And I had to go upstate for a little while? Well, if you can believe it, I'm back! (Word to the wise: Don't ever break probation by taking a bath in a public fountain. And if you must, kiddo, don't do it in a Nordstrom's during "peak hours.") So, guess what?!!! Your old man is now teaching computers! Can Rick do that? I mean, on the older models? The computers with no "mouses" and with the monitors chained to their desks? Ain't no thang, as Tara Reid might say! According to my newspaper pillow, she's the hottest young actress in the world ... Am I right or am I right? Peace. DAD
November 8, 2006
HEY, MARCUS! ... I'm learning more and more about this rap music that you like so much!!! It's true! Each and every night, usually incredibly late, say at 1, 2, or even 5 o'clock in the morning, I'll just sit back and listen to this incredible music blasting so astonishingly loud and I'll just "chill." The violent imagery and the dirty words are simply TERRIFIC! Hang on a sec, my boy, looks like a few of the students are growing increasingly restless. "Dad the Music Lover" has to transform himself into "Dad the Professor" ... HEY! Can I give you a "ring" on your "cell" after I'm finished with this on-line poker "session"? Would you accept the charges this time? I just adore these old-fashioned phones! So easy to use! Marcus, I love you so very much! Laughing Out Loud But Also Sort of Crying Because I'm Not With You and Also Because I'm Now Being Choked by an Incredibly Large Man with a Homemade Tattoo of a Good Luck Shamrock on the Base of His Penis. Just like in a musical video, right? Who's still "KEEPIN' IT REAL"?!!! I am! Don't U Ever 4-Get About Me!! —Dad
P.S. By the way, what's the emoticon, or whatever it's called, for "Kinda Need Help!"? No rush. Whnver you have a mnute. Thx! :)
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
A Web Log or "Blog" Started in an Attempt for Me, Gary Kimball, to Get Closer to My 15-Year-Old Son, Marcus, Who's Living With His Mom and Her New Husband, Rick By Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead
Unveiled in Yemen: The Bravest 13-Year-Old Girl in the World
Poems That Were Considered and Rejected Before 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Was Established as "the Official American Christmas Poem" By Frank Gannon
Recently Retired Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan Warns His New Puppy Against "Irrational Exuberance" By Michael Ward
Situations in Which I Would Be Willing to Die a Premature Death By Zhubin Parang
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