REJECTED
SUBMISSIONS FOR
SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE'S
"DAILY TRAUMARAMA."
BY DEDE PRENO
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I couldn't believe it! There I was getting ready for lunch when I noticed that my crush was standing right in front of me. He was so gorgeous; I nearly fainted. We kibitzed about the game on Friday as he handed me a large piece of pumpkin pie that I devoured
instantly. OOPS!! As soon as we got to the checkout lady I had eaten all my food and his! YIKES! Then I dove across him and started chewing on his left hand! OUCH! He pushed me to the floor, but it was too late. I had swallowed his adorable pinkie finger. Thanks for nothing, Prader-Willi syndrome! I was SOOOOO embarrassed.
—Jessica, 15, North Dallas
The hottie I had been crushing on walked into the Halloween dance looking SOOOOO amazing. His Superman costume fit him so well he could have been the real Superman. I finally decided to listen to the demonic voices in my head and go up and talk to him. SWEAT SWEAT, STINKY SWEAT! I was SOOOO nervous when I got up to him all I could do was scream, "Die, impure one, die!!!" When the security staff finally ripped the Swiss Army knife from my hand, my hottie-boy crush lay lifeless on the linoleum. GRODY!! I looked around and saw that all the upperclassmen were snickering.
It was the worst ever! And I totally got entrails on my Marilyn Manson costume. Bummer.
—Phoebe, 17, Salt Lake City
I've been going to Camp Kokawalla for the past three years, and this past summer was my last chance to see to the cutest counselor that ever wore a whistle! On the last night, during the season-end Ghoulish Games/Creepy Cabin contest, I was walking through the counselor's haunted quarters hoping I could find counselor Dreamy McHotterson, pretend to get scared, and faint into his arms. Talk about a Nightmario Scenario! I turned a corner and the Scream guy jumped out and caught me unawares. I screamed, tripped over a glowing skull, and bumped my head. Wait. What am I doing? What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, I really like newborn puppies! Especially the chocolaty ones! I have one named Licorice.
—Jesse, 17, Chippewa Falls
Volleyball was starting and I had to get my physical. I was sitting there waiting in my hospital gown when the door opened. Instead of some crusty old doctor, the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen walked into the room. He looked more like a TV doctor than a real doctor! He started to check my vitals, and I felt my stomach start to flutter. He poked and prodded, and my stomach started turning flips. Doc Hottie started feeling my tummy. He pushed on my bellybutton and whammo-bammo! I bump-set-pooped all over the examining table! I was so embarrassed I just sprinted out of the room! Talk about a Spalding tattoo ... with diarrhea!
—Tara, 16, San Diego
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Rejected Submissions for Seventeen Magazine's "Daily Traumarama" By Dede Preno
A Web Log or "Blog" Started in an Attempt for Me, Gary Kimball, to Get Closer to My 15-Year-Old Son, Marcus, Who's Living With His Mom and Her New Husband, Rick By Mike Sacks and Ted Travelstead
Unveiled in Yemen: The Bravest 13-Year-Old Girl in the World
Poems That Were Considered and Rejected Before 'Twas the Night Before Christmas Was Established as "the Official American Christmas Poem" By Frank Gannon
Recently Retired Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan Warns His New Puppy Against "Irrational Exuberance" By Michael Ward
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