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KLINGON RECIPES.BY MIKE RICHARDSON-BRYAN- - - - Vegetarian Lasagna Invite a vegetarian over for tea. Politely inquire about his degenerate lifestyle in order to lull him into a false sense of security. When he lowers his guard, beat him to death with a sack of phone books. Cook vegetarian over medium heat until brown. Remove from heat and stir in pasta sauce, onion, garlic powder, basil, and oregano. Return to low heat to simmer. Cook, drain, and rinse noodles. In a baking dish, layer in noodles, sauce, and cheese. Bake covered with foil at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes or until top layer of cheese is bubbling. Let cool for 10 minutes, then serve and enjoy. Afterward, discreetly dispose of the vegetarian's belongings and wipe down the house from top to bottom. Home-Style Gagh Find someone who has already prepared some home-style gagh. Kill him/her in honorable combat and take his/her gagh. Serve cold and enjoy. Heart of Targ Retreat to the solitude of the wilderness. Contemplate what it means to be a man and come to terms with your shortcomings as a son, a husband, and/or a father. Play a drum if it helps. Thus centered, you are ready for Step 2. Contemplate the targ until your mind opens and you realize that consuming the heart of a wild animal is nothing more than a romantic metaphor and that the targ's spirit (or "mana") will not transfer to you no matter how succulent its heart may be. Armed with this new awareness, return to the city and order a three-meat pizza to sate your hunger. You, the targ, and the universe are now one. Thing on a Stick Impale something on a sharpened stick. Cook over a pile of burning tires until bored. Serve hot and enjoy. Tribble Nuggets Preset disruptor to "incinerize." Identify a tribble infestation. Scramble your forces and surround the affected area with a ring of thermal mines reinforced by autoguns with overlapping fields of fire. Once secure, saturate the area with plasma mortars and spicy barbecue sauce. Assess bomb damage and repeat as necessary. When satisfied, sweep the area with squads and mop up any remaining resistance. Retrieve charred tribble carcasses and stomp or pound into nuggets. Serve hot and enjoy. If desired, commission an opera to celebrate your glorious triumph over the loathsome tribble menace. - - - - More Klingon Humor: - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Klingon Recipes By Mike Richardson-BryanDavid Kruchowski, Working at a Strip Club With Mom By Suzanne Yeagley The Elements of Spam By Jason Roeder "About Me" on Jack Bauer's Friendster Profile By Jack Ruenprapan Conversations I've Had During a Normal Day in Los Angeles, Modified to Include the Shocking Depiction of Racism Found in Paul Haggis's 2005 Film Crash By Brendon Lloyd |
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