PAGE SIX
BY JARED PAUL STERN.
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It's going to be a long summer for Ken "Teddy Bear" Williamson, the guard whose practical joke about a false prison break caused nothing but trouble last December. "Instead of firing him, the warden's making him work twice the hours," said one source. "He's already started to take it out on some of the prisoners." ... Which middle-aged embezzler has broken things off with his longtime partner and is now seeing a much younger arsonist? ... A vintage men's magazine featuring pictures of Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson, the endlessly buxom late-night movie hostess of days past, was discovered wedged between a desk and a wall in one of the guard-station offices, according to a well-placed source. "They all thought it was pretty funny, finding an old girlie magazine like that," the source said. "Lots of jokes going around about expiration dates." ... Another new arrival, in for trafficking, has a colorful past as a cross-dressing lady of the evening whose full-service getups included dead-on re-creations of Beyoncé Knowles and Lil' Kim ... Insiders say that Walter Ripley, currently serving a six-and-a-half-year sentence for racketeering, has been slowly moving in on the cigarette and pornography concession previously run by kidnapper George "Two Thumbs" Theophilus ... What boxing-hopeful-turned-armed-assault-specialist has promised that when he's free he'll pay a "two-fisted visit" to a certain supermarket magnate? He has also promised that he's the kind of man who keeps his promises ...
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Page Six by Jared Paul Stern By Ben Greenman
Weight Gain, Neglected Necks, and Other Sleeping-Pose Advice
Possible "Surprise" Endings to the New Samuel L. Jackson Film Snakes on a Plane By Marc Keinath and Kyle Nuske
A Mother Takes Over Amazon Customer Service By Nathaniel Missildine
Concerning Jon Bon Jovi, Wanted Dead or Alive By John Moe
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