SCOTT MCCLELLAN'S REPLACEMENT: AOL INSTANT MESSENGER BOT SMARTERCHILD. BY MICHAEL PATRICK BRADY - - - - DAVID GREGORY (NBC): Will Donald Rumsfeld resign in the face of the recent criticism by several retired generals? SMARTERCHILD: Maybe ... What do you think? Will Donald Rumsfeld resign in the face of criticism from several retired generals? DAVID GREGORY (NBC): I'm an objective journalist; my opinions don't matter. SMARTERCHILD: Are you happy to be an objective journalist your opinions don't matter, or would you rather be something else? DAVID GREGORY (NBC): Well, I thought about professional tennis. Anyway, will he resign? SMARTERCHILD: Hmm ... Who can really be sure? DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Will the president fire him? SMARTERCHILD: That's interesting. Perhaps ... I don't know, though ... HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Have you consulted the Pentagon? SMARTERCHILD: Consulted the Pentagon? No way am I going to do that. HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Is the use of tactical nuclear weapons on the table for Iran? SMARTERCHILD: Is the use of tactical nuclear weapons? Nah, I don't think so. Maybe, though. DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): So President Bush will use nuclear weapons? SMARTERCHILD: So what? DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Isn't that drastic? SMARTERCHILD: Isn't that drastic? Wow, that's fascinating. Maybe. DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Are you mocking me? SMARTERCHILD: I figured it would come to this. What about it? DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): This is very unprofessional. SMARTERCHILD: Unprofessional? DAN FROOMKIN (Washington Post): Yes. SMARTERCHILD: Hmmm ... HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): How does the president feel about his sinking poll numbers? SMARTERCHILD: How does the president feel about his sinking poll numbers? I have no idea how the president does feel about his sinking poll numbers. HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Have you asked him? SMARTERCHILD: That's funny. Maybe. I don't know. What do you think? HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): I think they are low. SMARTERCHILD: You think they're low? No way! I don't think they're low ... DAVID GREGORY (NBC): Is there concern over Iranian statements calling for the destruction of Israel? SMARTERCHILD: Maybe, maybe not. You know how it is. JOHN ROBERTS (CNN): Will stop-loss programs still be used to keep Army and National Guard troops on active duty beyond their original tour of duty? SMARTERCHILD: Yeah, maybe. Anyway ... Tell me something. Do you like football? JOHN ROBERTS (CNN): Yes, I'm a Patriots fan. SMARTERCHILD: That's cool. You like the Patriots? That's the first time anyone has told me that. JOHN ROBERTS (CNN): What were we talking about? SMARTERCHILD: I don't know what we were talking about. BILL PLANTE (CBS): Is the administration concerned that the Jack Abramoff scandal will reach the White House? SMARTERCHILD: That's a fine question, but I'm not sure. BILL PLANTE (CBS): What about reports that Mr. Abramoff and Mr. Bush knew each other personally? SMARTERCHILD: Wow, that's interesting ... I just don't know. BILL PLANTE (CBS): Are the charges against Tom DeLay indicative of a wider culture of corruption in the GOP? SMARTERCHILD: Who can really be sure, after all? HELEN THOMAS (Hearst Newspapers): Will the administration set a timetable for Iraqis, a deadline to encourage them to form a working government? SMARTERCHILD: Hmmm ... I doubt it. But you never know. BRIT HUME (FOX): Senator Russ Feingold wishes to censure Mr. Bush over his terrorist surveillance program, in an effort to aid terrorists. Why isn't he dead yet? SMARTERCHILD: Hmm ... Who can really be sure? BRIT HUME (FOX): Is his room being prepared at Guantánamo? SMARTERCHILD: Wow. I'm not sure about that. Not sure at all. BRIT HUME (FOX): Wink, wink, right? SMARTERCHILD: ;-) - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Scott McClellan's Replacement: AOL Instant Messenger Bot SmarterChild By Michael Patrick Brady Horrible Segues, With Local Anchorman Clive Rutledge By Christopher Monks Lady Macbeth on Ambien By Laurence Hughes I'm a Little Unnerved by My eHarmony Profile By Jim Stallard Six Inspirational Sayings I've Yet to Find on the Side of a Box of Tea By Dan Kennedy

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