SECRET SHOPPERS
REPORT ON THE
U.S. SENATE.
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Store entrance has too many steps, not welcoming. Also, no sign! Would not have found it without dome. Workers well-dressed but many not at stations. Took 15 minutes to acknowledge me. Would not return to this location if other options were available.
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Group of men who were obviously supposed to be greeters (elderly, white hair, frail) not at door but sitting in seats. Guess they were tired (age), but still ... let's do our jobs. At least smile like at Wal-Mart. Also, décor could use updating. Why all the blue and gold? What is this—a Masons lodge?
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Store's brand identity not really clear. What exactly is "The People's Business"? Example: Female employee had large chart on easel and was going on and on about health care, and then male employee came up with different chart and said opposite thing about health care. What? Could not even find health-care aisle. There seemed to be only one aisle, and little or no signage.
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Gavel-banging sound really annoying and distracting when trying to shop. Enjoyed adjacent cafeteria—up until emergency evacuation. Returned after "all clear" to find my soup cold. Was told they do not offer refund even if "false alarm."
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Approached group of workers whispering to each other. They stopped when I walked up. Felt like nuisance instead of customer. Tried to make purchase but was instructed to return with larger bills. Not friendly like when I see them on those commercials on CNN or FOX.
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Sixty-something white male employee in blue suit made inappropriate sexual remark, then hid by blending into group of men who looked just like him. Hello—need name badges. And sensitivity training.
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Had to wait outside for store to open. Staff very late getting there with keys. Most arrived in limos (wow—I want to work here!), but one employee crashed own car into steps (!), then staggered out and ran inside to "vote." On what?
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Before entering store, saw attractive young female customer arguing with male employee (gray hair, blue suit), and then suddenly van pulled up, some guy got out and put hood over her head, dragged her in, and drove away. Wow—is this what happens when you challenge store's return policy!?
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I said "boo" to employee and she hit the floor, cowering. Others did same. Seem to think they are under siege or something. Promised to build highways in my state if I would only let them live. Um ... don't need another highway, thanks. And wasn't going to kill you.
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Attempted to visit but closed. Guard said store closed for a month. I asked if they were remodeling and he told me not to loiter. Well, OK. I'm just trying to spend some money! Also, maybe they could get friendlier guards. IMHO: Competitor will not have trouble entering this market.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Secret Shoppers Report on the U.S. Senate By Kate Hahn
Gilgamesh, King of Uruk in Babylonia (2700 B.C.), Responds to Advertising's Biggest Questions By Russell Bradbury-Carlin
In Response to Accusations That My Memoir, I, Ellie Kemper, Borrows Numerous Passages From Rigoberta Menchu's Memoir, I, Rigoberta Menchu By Ellie Kemper
The 700 Club Does Weather By Alex Kane
Snicket Started. You Finished
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