THE RECRUITMENT
OF HARRY POTTER.
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RE: Harry Potter campus visit
IMPORTANCE: High
Hey, all,
It's 24 hours until the big visit, and I hope by now everyone understands how pivotal this weekend is for us. Harry Potter has some off-pitch issues, but he's the best seeker I've seen in 80 years. Vic Krum says Potter can do things on a broom that he can only dream of, and Krum didn't win MVP at worlds last year because the committee pulled his name out of a hat. And if that's not enough, word from management is that it's all of our asses if he signs with someone else.
The good news is that it sounds like it's between us and Puddlemere, if Potter decides to play at all. We have to do whatever it takes to ensure we have a commitment before he leaves on Sunday. Let me say that again—whatever it takes. Do things I don't want to know about if you have to, but let's be sure he signs on the dotted line.
He and the Weasley kid are flying in on Friday. We're going to have to make an offer to both—Richardson, relax, nobody's going to take your job. We'll sit Weasley on the bench or ship him to the minors when the time comes, but we have to get him to commit to have any chance at all with Potter.
Wootton and Owen, Weasley's your responsibility for the weekend. Show him the cheerleaders, the parties ... hell, apparate him to India and show him the Taj Mahal for all I care, just make sure he thinks we're recruiting him regardless of whether Potter signs or not. If it means hiring some extra "talent" to seal the deal, whip out the credit card and do whatever it takes. But it probably won't be a tough sell. Weasley loves Quidditch and would probably go over to the Dark Lo—to He Who Must Not Be Named for a chance at the pros.
Potter is going to be a lot tougher. Bell says Potter wants to be an Auror, so we should definitely break out the academics among the season-ticket holders. Sell that we're the closest team to the Ministry of Magic, and that we're his best option if he wants to play at all, since he'll be able to manage the classwork and practice. Hey, if he actually can, more power to him.
Tell him we will absolutely pull Snape's season tickets if that's any concern at all. Hell, go ahead and do that anyway. Guy gives me the willies.
Don't worry—by all accounts Quidditch is Potter's main obsession. Well, that and the whole feud thing, but let's not bring that up unless he broaches the subject. (None of us have the Dark Mark, right? If any of you do, be sure to wear your long-sleeve jersey.) You know he'll love the facilities—the broom deal with Nike Magic, the state-of-the-art pitch, the sellout crowds ...
As for the entertainment ... I'm at a loss. We know he has commitment issues and isn't looking for anything serious, but that's about it. He dated that Chang girl for a while—the one who's probably going to wind up signing with Cardiff—and Weasley's sister. And Slughorn said there might have been something going on between Potter and some weirdo—her father runs the Quibbler or something. Bottom line is, I have no clue what type of girls he'd be interested in. But, for the love of Gryffindor, don't let the entertainment for Potter and Weasley overlap—the last thing we need is Weasley seeing Potter snogging another girl, and both of them getting all bent out of shape.
I'll be in charge of the Potter visit (except for entertainment—I'm looking for volunteers for that gig). We all know the sad story—dead parents, dead godfather, dead headmaster. He's in need of a father figure, and I'm willing to risk it. Yeah, a lot of people close to Potter wind up dead, but it's worth the danger for someone who's guaranteed to catch the snitch every time out. If it gets me a championship ring, I'll take all the Unforgivable Curses with a smile on my face.
Oh, and for the love of Gryffindor, don't let slip that we had Malfoy in last week. Word has it that they don't much like each other, so keep it on the down-low.
Let's do it.
—Coach
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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The Recruitment of Harry Potter By Craig Berman
Announcing the Revenge of the Book Eaters Tour
If the Head Counselor at My Old Summer Camp Wrote a Household Q&A Column By David Jaggard
A Lost Scene Involving Louis, a Turkey Character Cut During the Final Edit of Charlotte's Web By Ann Asher
My Signing Statements By Christopher Monks
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