OTHER WAYS
THE TERRORISTS WIN.
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1.
Down 2 points with 12 seconds left on the clock, Ali Atwa gets by the backcourt defenders. As he crosses over right, you are hit with a monster pick set by Abd al Aziz Awda. As the buzzer sounds, Atwa shoots an arching floater. It bounces off the rim twice and then falls through the hoop. The arena explodes.
2.
On the 10-yard line, with time left for one more play and the score 27-24, Mohammed Ali Hammadi lines up to take the kick and send the game into overtime. As you dive to block the kick, you realize quarterback Ibrahim Salih Mohammed al-Yacoub has snatched up the ball and is running toward the end zone unchallenged. During his victory dance, al-Yacoub releases a deadly airborne virus.
3.
Coming into the last turn, you watch your rearview mirror, making sure Ali Saed bin Ali el-Hoorie isn't going to catch you on the final straightaway. You soon realize you should have paid more attention to what was happening in front of you. El-Hoorie drives to the win as you hit the wall coming out of Turn 4. While getting doused with champagne by his pit crew, he detonates a dirty bomb at the headwaters of the Colorado
River.
4.
The state-fair judges have been conferring for five minutes now. Months of watering, feeding, and tending have given you a large, bulbous, "classic" pumpkin. Anas al-Liby's entry, on the other hand, is three times as large but horribly misshapen. The judges break their silence and hand al-Liby the "Year's Most Impressive Pumpkin" blue ribbon. A total judgment call. Al-Liby's supporters discreetly leave the tent and remove half the screws from the Tilt-a-Whirl.
5.
You and the other Seeker, Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah, are head to head as you both dive at breakneck speed to capture the Golden Snitch. Abdullah, one year older and a more experienced Quidditch player, snags the winged ball as you slam into the pitch. You look up at him just in time to see him point his wand and exclaim, "Avada Kedavra!," killing you with the Killing Curse.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
Other Ways the Terrorists Win By Justin Paul Villegas
Referee Ed Hochuli's More Notable Calls By Frank Ferri
Surgery Is Easy By Wendy Molyneux
Ripple Effects of the Writers' Strike By John Moe
Traveling Europe in Style With Auckland Dingiroo, Dark-Age Tourist and Critic of Food and Drink: Commerce in Foreign Lands By John Hallmann
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