WHALE OF MASS DESTRUCTION—
RICHARD B. CHENEY,
ADJUNCT PROFESSOR
IN THE HUMANITIES,
PRESENTS:
THE ANNUAL SYMBOLISM
IN MELVILLE LECTURE.
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Lecture Outline
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I. The Characters
A. STARBUCK: Obedient and competent first mate. Willing to do the bidding of the administration without question. Open to taking a fall. A good man to have around. Experiences some bitterness toward the end of his tour, but unflinchingly performs duty to the end.
B. STUBB: A veteran of his profession, the second mate remains unaffected during times of extreme stress. Some say he fails to grasp the gravity of desperate situations and relies too heavily on an escapist sense of humor. Though he can unleash a cruel tongue at times, history will show that he is the greatest second mate in the history of whaling.
C. FLASK: Simple-minded and passionate third mate. Though he's never thrown
a harpoon, Flask enjoys commanding the charge. He's often seen running up and down the side deck in search of his beloved flying sea cucumbers. His confused rhetoric, liberal doses of noontime grog, and premature pronouncements of victory on the poop deck are liabilities, but he sticks to his convictions, and middle-Nantucket whaling folk respect that.
D. AHAB: Fearless and visionary captain. Not often seen above deck, this
mastermind re-engineers the way ships and whaling expeditions will be run
forever. A lifelong servant to the larger whaling syndicate, Ahab takes it
upon himself to make the oceans safer by ridding the world of its ultimate
evildoer (with whom he had an earlier, prematurely concluded skirmish).
Pursues WMD around the globe, while managing an ungrateful and mutinous
crew, and without the slightest convenience or emergency medical device from
home. Incredible.
E. ISHMAEL: Indecisive intellectual who is afraid to commit to the job at
hand. Full of wishy-washy apprehensions and reflective moments of insight.
Bi-curious episode in Nantucket with large ethnic friend all but confirmed. A
true weak link. Luckily, Ishmael has been stripped of any power and is too
timid to voice complaint. A true captain would hang this insurgent from the
yardarm, but, as usual, this would cause Flask to lose his standing with the
men. Luckily, a ship in international waters is not under standard legal
constraints and Ishmael can be placed in the hold, where buckets of water are
dumped on his head in an unrelenting fashion.
II. Historical Background
A. Moby-Dick, whale of mass destruction, swimming through the seas
unchecked, consorting with reefs, hurricanes, and any number of cataloged
hazards to navigation. WMD has rebuked international whale inspectors for
years.
B. A tyrant to his own race, WMD perpetrates indiscriminate crimes upon all
factions of sperm whales.
C. Held alleged meeting in 1836 with the iceberg that went on to sink the
steamship Lady of the Lake. There were, of course, no survivors.
D. WMD now actively pursuing a rare uranium-capping treatment in Africa for
his 80 teeth in order to deliver a "dirty bite" to vessels engaged in the
whaling trade. (HIGHLIGHT THIS POINT in your notes.)
E. Recruited a large number of sharks to serve as mobile weapons labs to
disperse large amounts of concentrated jellyfish poison. Intelligence
estimates put the amount at 5 billion tons of jellyfish juice per shark.
F. Bottom line: This whale is really giving people the runaround.
III. Plot
A. With the support of a secretive and religious minority, the fearless Ahab
rises to power (refer to above character description) and vows to rid the
world of WMD, thus bringing peace and democracy to the world's oceans. Some
speculate that he is hell-bent on eliminating WMD in order to procure
massive amounts of whale oil. This impression is not helped by Ahab's
disregard for criticism voiced by fellow whaling captains. Theory soundly
debunked (KEY POINT) by Ahab's many moving speeches discussing the larger
goal of liberating all whales and fish and creating a free and democratic
undersea nation.
B. Ahab is at first successful in raising support for the effort by nailing
a large ransom sum to the mast and distributing playing cards depicting the most
grievous of spermaceti offenders. The hard-driving dedication of Ahab's
quest unfortunately proves too much for the crew, and their lack of support
and premonitions of disaster ultimately doom the mission to failure.
C. (IMPORTANT: Guaranteed to show up on the midterm!) Had he been given
supreme executive command and been able to shed the shackles of merchant
maritime law, Ahab certainly would have destroyed WMD.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Whale of Mass Destruction—Richard B. Cheney, Adjunct Professor in the Humanities, Presents: The Annual Symbolism in Melville Lecture By Blair Becker
The Americans Who Voted for George W. Bush Wish to Return Their Television By Wayne Gladstone
Superfoods for the Pessimist By Chris Hicks
Talk to Us With Towels By Rob Sears
If My Parents in Spokane Submitted What They Considered Celebrity Sightings to Gawker.com By Kate Kershner
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