MY FATHER,
AS OWNER OF HIS
FANTASY BASEBALL
TEAM, HAS A MEETING
WITH HIS PLAYERS
TO EXPLORE THEIR
CONCERNS ABOUT
FRONT-OFFICE
MANAGEMENT.
- - - -
DAD: I just want to say, first off, that you all suck so bad.
ANDY PETTITTE: I never wanted to be on this team in the first place.
DAD: Well, I didn't want you on my team, either, asshole. But I was drunk at the draft, and I thought you were that other tall, brown-haired Yankee pitcher, the one who does crosswords. That's who I wanted, you Yankee shit.
JOHNNY DAMON: I feel like you play favorites, and you're really mean to the Yankee players.
DAD: How can you say that? I built my entire team around A-Rod! He's my star player! He used to play for the Mariners! I love him!
ALEX RODRIGUEZ: Then why is our team name the Gay-Rods? That kind of hurts my feelings.
KHALIL GREENE: I think it hurts everyone's feelings.
DAD: How do you say your name again?
KHALIL GREENE: I don't think you've ever even heard of me.
DAD: You look like you smoke a lot of weed, which I think is funny. But it's also probably why you're so bad.
KHALIL GREENE: Actually, I'm pretty good.
GRADY SIZEMORE: Do you ever follow the stats of any of the players on your team?
DAD: You were on the cover of Sports Illustrated. You're from Washington state, where I live. I like you, and want you to marry my daughter.
COCO CRISP: Maybe it would help to have a right-handed pitcher on our starting staff.
DAD: I don't know who you are, but Ben was drafting all the funny-name players, and I had to pick you just to fuck him over.
JAMIE MOYER: I don't get why you picked any of us. There doesn't seem to be any strategy for our team.
DAD: You're the Gay-Rods. You all embrace metrosexuality.
COREY HART: No we don't. You know nothing about us.
DAD: I just really wanted A-Rod on the team. So a lot of times I just picked people because their names sounded kind of gay. Nick Swisher.
NICK SWISHER: Fuck you.
JUSTIN MORNEAU: I'm really unhappy here. I want to be traded.
DAD: I accidentally drafted two first basemen, so fine. Prince Fielder will take over first base, then. His name is what he does!
PRINCE FIELDER: I'm pretty sure I'm on the DL.
DAD: I think I'm going to trade Morneau and Fielder for Raúl Ibáñez. He plays the guitar and speaks several languages. He's my wife's favorite player.
ROBINSON CANÓ: That makes no sense. Ibáñez is an outfielder. We have no first baseman now.
DAD: Putz, I'm putting you on first.
J.J. PUTZ: I'm a pitcher. Even in fantasy baseball, that's just impossible.
JACQUE JONES: Maybe we could pick up an infield utility player.
DAD: Like Willie Bloomquist!
JONATHAN PAPELBON: Sometimes it seems like the only players you know
either are Mariners or at one time played for the Mariners.
DAD: Guys, I just got an e-mail from Ralph. His pitcher just threw a two-hitter, with no runs allowed. What're we gonna do?
TED LILLY: I don't think we can do anything. We just have to wait and see what we do tonight.
DAD: Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to trade my entire pitching staff before the West Coast games start. Only J.J. Putz, who plays for the Mariners, and Jamie Moyer, who once played for the Mariners, are allowed to stay. Pettitte, I hope you're happy.
ANDY PETTITTE: Actually, you forgot you already traded me. I'm on Ralph's team now. I was the one who pitched the two-hitter tonight. You traded me at 2:30 in the morning last night because you thought God wouldn't let you sleep because there were too many Yankees on your team.
DAD: Yes, yes. I do recall that now. Zito, you're pitching tonight. We're all behind you.
BARRY ZITO: You tried to trade me last night, but nobody would take me.
DAD: OK, here's what we're going to do. We're going to trade Zito for Raúl Ibáñez.
ROBINSON CANÓ: We told you, Ibáñez is an outfielder.
DAD: Don't you see? He'll have the lowest ERA in the league. But I guess this is why I'm the owner of a fantasy baseball team and you aren't.
- - - -
OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
- - - -
My Father, as Owner of His Fantasy Baseball Team, Has a Meeting With His Players to Explore Their Concerns About Front-Office Management By Kate Kershner
Thank You, Thank You, a Thousand Thank-Yous, and More
My Choral Dilemma By Jim Stallard
Excerpt From the Unfinished Screenplay You're a Jailbird, Charlie Brown By Jeff Sutter
Thomas the NJ Transit Train By Marco Kaye
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