CARNAC THE JADED.BY CHRIS SARTINSKY- - - - CARNAC: The novel as an art form; God; our nation's idealism in the face of disaster abroad. ED McMAHON: The novel as an art form; God; our nation's idealism in the face of disaster abroad? (Carnac opens the envelope and pulls out the card.) CARNAC: Name three things that are dead forever. ED McMAHON: Yes. Absolutely. That is absolutely right, Carnac. - - - - CARNAC: Sizzle, hiss, "I have failed you, Satan." ED McMAHON: Sizzle, hiss, "I have failed you, Satan"? (Carnac opens the envelope and pulls out the card.) CARNAC: The sound a Congressman makes when he is splashed with holy water. ED McMAHON: Ha ha. That is so true. Subhuman filth, all of them. It makes me sick. - - - - CARNAC: The Jack Abramoff scandal, or a 72 at Augusta. ED McMAHON: The Jack Abramoff scandal, or a 72 at Augusta? (Carnac opens the envelope and pulls out the card.) CARNAC: Par for the course. ED McMAHON: Yes, Carnac. Our government is bought and sold by crooks, every day—could not agree more. - - - - CARNAC: The cries of an Iraqi child trapped beneath a pile of rubble; the sane voice of Richard Clarke in the Bush administration before 9/11; prayers to God. ED McMAHON: The cries of an Iraqi child trapped beneath a pile of rubble; the sane voice of Richard Clarke in the Bush administration before 9/11; prayers to God? (Carnac opens the envelope and pulls out the card.) CARNAC: Name three things that go unheard. ED McMAHON: Right on, Carnac. Right on. We are alone in the universe, absolutely. - - - - CARNAC: ... Nothing. I've got—I'm getting nothing. ED McMAHON: What do you mean? CARNAC: I mean, I'm not getting a psychic reading. I've got nothing. ED McMAHON: Nothing? (Carnac opens the envelope and pulls out the card.) CARNAC: What is the meaning of life? (The crowd groans.) CARNAC: Oh, go f*** yourselves. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Carnac the Jaded By Chris SartinskyMy Father, as Owner of His Fantasy Baseball Team, Has a Meeting With His Players to Explore Their Concerns About Front-Office Management By Kate Kershner Thank You, Thank You, a Thousand Thank-Yous, and More My Choral Dilemma By Jim Stallard Excerpt From the Unfinished Screenplay You're a Jailbird, Charlie Brown By Jeff Sutter |
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