WELCOME TO JDATE:
CREATING YOUR PROFILE.
BY ERIC SILVER
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Photos
Please upload a picture of yourself for your thumbnail profile. Try to make it only of you. If it is a group photo, please indicate which one is you. No blurry or suggestive photos. Just click on the "Browse" button and select the image you would like to use. Great, now how about you upload another one? You've got such a beautiful smile; why are you trying to hide it?
Personal Info
Date of birth:
Gender:
__ Man
__ Woman
Looking for ... (Check one, please. Enough of this "experimenting" meshugaas from your college days.)
__ Man
__ Woman
You keep kosher ... (Select one.)
__ at home.
__ at home and outside.
__ to a degree.
__ kosher? What's kosher? Oh, and I enjoy throwing away centuries of tradition and culture just because BLTs and cheeseburgers taste so great.
What type of relationship are you looking for? (Check all that apply.)
__ A date.
__ A friend.
__ A marriage.
__ A long-term relationship. (But obviously marriage is in the foreseeable future, right? I mean, who are we kidding here? You've got to grow up and raise a family sometime.)
__ Marriage and children. (Wait, didn't we have this option already? Who gets married and doesn't have children? Crazy people, that's who.)
__ Activity partner. (Please. Join a club. You don't need a dating site for this.)
What is your current relationship status?
__ Single.
__ Divorced.
__ Separated. I'm not actually joining this site, because I have a wonderful wife and family that I should be trying to keep together, rather than meeting some nut halfway around the world and having "Internet sex" or whatever it is you people do when you sit at your computer for hours with the door closed.
Do you plan on having children?
__ Yes.
__ Not sure, but who am I kidding? Of course.
__ No, and I'm saying that especially to make my mother sob uncontrollably for days. I'm a horrible, ungrateful child who doesn't understand the joys of grandchildren.
Your smoking habits:
__ Nonsmoker.
Your drinking habits:
__ Probably too much. Whatever happened to a nice cup of coffee and dessert?
About-Me Essay
Instructions: Describe yourself and your personality. What are you passionate about? Why haven't you found a nice girl yet, and what exactly attracts you to those dumb floozies you keep bringing to our family dinners? As if we don't have enough drama without you bringing around Bryn or Joyceline or some other girl with a name
we'll be asking you to spell out months after you've broken up with her. What about Rebecca? Isn't that a nice name? The craziness with names these days. Everyone needs to stand out, name their baby something special and hard to spell. Jerks. (100 character minimum.)
Background
Languages you speak when you're actually having a conversation and not just mumbling at the dinner table:
Religious background:
__ Reform.
__ Conservative.
__ Orthodox.
__ Other. Probably one of those flaky ones where it's fine to eat pork and they celebrate Christmas. Don't get me started.
What Do You Do?
Describe what you do:
(Yes, I know I've asked you a hundred times, but that's because you never explain it well. I tell my friends about you and I don't know what to tell them. I just say, "He's in the arts." Is your résumé updated? Maybe there's an opening somewhere. Couldn't hurt.)
Personality & Interests
How would you describe your personality? (Check all that apply.)
__ Nice.
__ Considerate.
__ Has a smart mouth.
__ Sweet.
__ Calls mother.
__ Slouches too much.
__ Doesn't eat enough.
__ Could stand to skip seconds of dessert.
Activities:
(And sitting in your room all day playing video games or doing that Sims thing or whatever doesn't count. Put down anything that actually gets you into the sunlight.)
Relationships
What is your idea of the perfect first date?
What is your idea of the ideal relationship?
Well, if you're so great and wonderful and you know everything, why are you still single?
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Thank you for filling out your profile. After we review your essays to make sure the content is appropriate and you're not just looking for another cheap slut to take out for a romantic night pounding beers that ends with a tour of the back seat of your Hyundai,
we'll post it right away and you can begin meeting thousands of Jewish singles like yourself! Oh, and your father wants me to tell you to make sure you get the oil changed in your car. Stop making that face. I bet this is why you're paying $35 a month to meet people when you could be spending that money on a nice shirt and maybe a nice pair of slacks.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Welcome to JDate: Creating Your Profile By Eric Silver
Response to Self-Dubbed "Applicant #69" From the Elite School for Yoga Enthusiasts By Melanie Berliet
Letters to the Editor of Babybug, a Magazine for Readers Age 6 Months to 2 Years By Michael Depp
Three Selections From The Masochist's Cookbook By Jeff Michaels
Nostalgic Remembrances of Things That Haven't Happened Yet By Eric Wiener
Red dot denotes content that is new today.
Black dot denotes newish content.