REPORT ON THE INTERNAL INVESTIGATION INTO THE HANSEL AND GRETEL "GINGERBREAD INCIDENT." BY BRIAN WALTON - - - - The internal-affairs division of Fairy Tales Inc. has reviewed the Hansel and Gretel case, and has identified the following areas for improvement: We identify the triggering incident to be the woodcutter taking a second wife, and find that neither side did sufficient research: the new wife should have been made aware of the presence of children in the house prior to marriage, and the woodcutter would have benefited from discerning her feelings toward stepchildren before committing to the relationship. The stepmother's reaction to the children was entirely disproportionate to the perceived infraction. Justifying documentation being lacking, we simply note that the pretext for abandoning them in the woods appeared to be flimsy at best. Additionally, abandonment in the forest is not a recognized form of administrative discipline. Please require the stepmother to familiarize herself with the appropriate sections of her handbook. Hansel, in particular, showed inconsistent decision-making abilities. He is to be commended for initially ferreting out the stepmother's scheme and bringing himself and his sister home safely. However, the benefits of these actions were subsequently compromised by his rather poor decision to allow the stepmother to attempt abandoning the children in the forest a second time. Based on this, we suspect an emotional disorder of some kind, and are recommending immediate evaluation. Both Hansel and Gretel should be disciplined as soon as possible for the severe ethical violation of eating a stranger's house. The more troubling aspects of this incident appear to have been triggered by this act, and it has irreparably harmed what could have been a profitable partnership. Though both parties are guilty of overreacting (enslaving and planning to eat the children because of some nibbled siding seems at best excessive), the children bore a responsibility to make a fair and just recompense for their violation. That they not only failed to do this but in fact turned around and murdered their victim forces us to conclude that both Hansel and Gretel should be placed on unpaid leave until such time as a staff psychiatrist certifies them fit to return to the story. Your prompt attention to these matters is appreciated. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Report on the Internal Investigation Into the Hansel and Gretel "Gingerbread Incident" By Brian Walton A Memo From Sony Computer Entertainment America's Executive Vice President Andrew House to the New PlayStation Next Generation Design Team By John Frank Weaver Pelé Gets "a Brazilian" By Pasha Malla Mr. Tambellini's School of Driving By Jen Spyra

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE THE BEST AMERICAN NONREQUIRED READING McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S SICK OF THE REVOLUTION DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE SONGS OF ENEMIES AND DESERTS: LIVING WITH THE SUDAN LIBERATION ARMY LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS ABOUT MICHAEL CHABON'S MAPS AND LEGENDS ABOUT UNDERGROUND AMERICA ABOUT DEB OLIN UNFERTH'S VACATION LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL