ANSWERS
TO TODAY'S
HOCUS-FOCUS,
BROUGHT TO YOU
BY RALPH NADER.
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1. Coffeepot is moved. Why? America wants to know. The people deserve answers.
2. Window is narrower. It's a silent tragedy you won't see on the corporate media monopoly's evening "news."
3. Boy's shoes are smaller. What aren't smaller are the mercilessly long hours, extraordinarily low wages, physical abuse, and other appalling human-rights violations that take place in the Indonesian sweatshop where these shoes were made.
4. Kitchen table is missing a leg. But what do you expect with an administration that's so brazenly in bed with the kitchen-table lobby? Who's going to mandate safe, wobbleproof kitchen tables with four legs when the foxes are watching the henhouse?
5. Wall mirror is taller—thus containing more potential bad luck that will be unleashed on the hardworking men and women of America upon the mirror's eventual breakage. If the wall mirror were outfitted with safety bumpers—a proposal of mine disingenuously decried as "wrong-headed and economically punitive" by the Big Mirror PACs—we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
6. Puppy's tongue is sticking out. Shameful mainstream-media editorials will claim the puppy is a third-party "spoiler" who wants to confuse the populace and steal votes from the more "electable" little boy next to him, who's been anointed by special-interest cabals and party elites. But the truth is it shows that people want a new puppy in the kitchen, a puppy of progress and justice, a puppy that demands things like universal health insurance and the repeal of the Taft-Hartley Act, a puppy committed to breaking up this two-party elected dictatorship that is becoming more and more like a single golden funnel for the same corporate dollars.
7. Woman's smile is larger. We can only conclude she's psychologically overcompensating for still making only 78 cents on the dollar in the male-dominated workplace of 2007 while also still having to fulfill the roles of homemaker, cook, chauffeur, nanny, and maid. What have the Republicrats done about this wage disparity that is a cancer on the American workforce? The Republicrats can't even pass the Equal Rights Amendment!
8. Dog in the front yard is missing. Where could the watchdog have gone? Likely through the all-too-common revolving door that leads to a lucrative private-industry job, where he'll be paid handsomely for his access and insider knowledge. He's just another player in this flagrant caricature of cash-register politics at its worst. Outrageous? Yes. Surprising? I truly wish it were.
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OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:
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Answers to Today's Hocus-Focus, Brought to You by Ralph Nader By Andrew Kiraly
No-Stress, Low-Fuss, Hassle-Free Summertime Recipes for the Confident, Independent, Self-Sufficient Gal on the Go By Ellie Kemper
The Calvin and Hobbes Movie By Sam Johnson
Report on the Internal Investigation Into the Hansel and Gretel "Gingerbread Incident" By Brian Walton
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