Perfect for Mother's Day: the Baby Be of Use series or The Secret Language of Sleep. - - - -

B R E T T   R A T N E R ' S   N O T E S F O R   H I S   F I L M   V E R S I O N O F   T H E   R O A D   B Y C O R M A C   M c C A R T H Y . BY WENDY MOLYNEUX - - - - Possibilities to play the father/son duo: Brad Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. If so, have them ride around on ATVs instead of walking. Walking is boring. Will Smith and Jaden Smith. Loved them together in Pursuit of Happyness. Maybe talk to Will about doing a hot soundtrack. Would Will's wife play movie wife? Remember to ask. Also, in book, wife is dead. Rewrite this. Have her be alive and like blowjobs. Father needs "buddy." See if Jackie Chan is available. If not, maybe Andy Dick? If we switch the father/son to mother/daughter, get Angelina and Shiloh. Keep ATVs. In book, we don't find out how the world ended. Must show in movie version. Possible scenarios: Aliens Robots Alien robots Girls in bikinis accidentally blow up nuclear power station by hitting self-destruct button with their big, round butts Or boobs If we go with robots as destroyers of Earth, robots should still be chasing the people. Also, maybe change name from The Road to The Robots. If we decide to rewrite as comedy, see if Sandler is available for May production start. In book, the father and son find an underground shelter stocked with supplies where they can hide out and regroup. Change to underground strip club where father gets lap dance from two sexy Chinese girls (twins?). Wife is OK with this because she is bisexual. Can this movie make $100 million? No. It can make $200 million. Switch shopping cart to Hummer or Bentley. (Which is more apocalyptic? Look on Internet.) When the guy steals all of their supplies, instead of making the guy take off all his clothes but then letting him go, change it to a girl who takes off all her clothes (Alyssa Milano?). When the father and son discover the boat, boat should be loaded with machine guns and hand grenades. Also, smart sharks. In book, they say "carrying the fire" and it's some kind of abstract thing about carrying the spirit of humanity around in a time of hopelessness. Afraid people will not get. What if "fire" is a secret weapon that will restore atmosphere and kill the robots? Or it turns out at the end that boy can shoot fire out of eyes and mouth? He's like a messiah guy, but a fire-shooting-eyes messiah guy. Will need good sound bites for trailer. Maybe at one point son is sad about something stupid and father says, "It's not the end of the world!" Then son gives him ironic look. Love it. Maybe they are not father and son, but one is a cop and the other is a martial-arts expert? Everything takes place in Miami? Maybe wife doesn't like blowjobs—wife really likes blowjobs. - - - - OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES: - - - - Brett Ratner's Notes for His Film Version of The Road by Cormac McCarthy By Wendy Molyneux Answers to Today's Hocus-Focus, Brought to You by Ralph Nader By Andrew Kiraly No-Stress, Low-Fuss, Hassle-Free Summertime Recipes for the Confident, Independent, Self-Sufficient Gal on the Go By Ellie Kemper The Calvin and Hobbes Movie By Sam Johnson

- - - - MAIN PAGE   |   ARCHIVES   Memories of Amanda Davis   Red dot denotes content that is new today. Black dot denotes newish content. McSWEENEY'S STORE SUBSCRIBE TO: McSWEENEY'S THE BELIEVER WHOLPHIN FUTURE McSWEENEY'S BOOKS THE AMANDA DAVIS HIGHWIRE FICTION AWARD INVITE A McSWEENEY'S AUTHOR TO SPEAK IN YOUR TOWN OR COLLEGE McSWEENEY'S MONTHLY MAILING LIST McSWEENEY'S-RELATED EVENTS AND VARIOUS TOUR DATES ORDER INQUIRIES AND ADDRESS CHANGES SUBMISSION GUIDELINES: FOR BOOKS FOR THE QUARTERLY FOR THE WEBSITE FOR WHOLPHIN McSWEENEY'S INTERNSHIPS CONTACT US - - - - LETTERS TO McSWEENEY'S LISTS McSWEENEY'S PREDICTS McSWEENEY'S RECOMMENDS NEW WHOLPHIN FILM DAN LIEBERT, VERBAL CARTOONIST JOKES BY BRIAN BEATTY REVIEWS OF NEW FOOD DISPATCHES FROM MOSCOW SO YOU WANT TO BE PRESIDENT? DISPATCHES FROM THE ANACOSTIA THE WINNER'S CIRCLE WITH ERIC FEEZELL BEN GREENMAN'S FAKE CELEBRITY MUSICALS DISPATCHES FROM A HUMANITARIAN JOURNALIST DISPATCHES FROM IRAQ SHORT IMAGINED MONOLOGUES PHILIP GRAHAM SPENDS A YEAR IN LISBON STAINED TEETH: A COLUMN ABOUT WINE DISPATCHES FROM THE NAPOLEONIC WARS AT THE MET KEVIN DOLGIN TELLS YOU ABOUT PLACES YOU SHOULD GO IN EUROPE LAWRENCE WESCHLER'S EVERYTHING THAT RISES: A BOOK OF CONVERGENCES THE CONVERGENCES CONTEST ABOUT WHAT IS THE WHAT ABOUT BOWL OF CHERRIES ABOUT COMEDY BY THE NUMBERS ABOUT JOHN BRANDON'S ARKANSAS LETTERS FROM AN EARTH BALL TO, OR CONCERNING, SEAN HANNITY DISPATCHES FROM ADJUNCT FACULTY AT A LARGE STATE UNIVERSITY ADVICE FROM A PERSON WITH A BACHELOR'S DEGREE IN PSYCHOLOGY DISPATCHES FROM THE NBA ENTERTAINMENT LEAGUE JOHN MOE'S POP-SONG CORRESPONDENCES B.R. COHEN'S ANNALS OF SCIENCE INTERVIEWS WITH PEOPLE WHO HAVE INTERESTING OR UNUSUAL JOBS OPEN LETTERS TO PEOPLE OR ENTITIES WHO ARE UNLIKELY TO RESPOND DISPATCHES FROM A PUBLIC LIBRARIAN MICHAEL IAN BLACK IS A VERY FAMOUS CELEBRITY DISPATCHES FROM ROY KESEY, AN AMERICAN GUY MARRIED TO A PERUVIAN DIPLOMAT LIVING IN CHINA STEPHEN ELLIOTT'S POKER REPORT - - - - ADDITIONAL MATERIAL